Some days are harder...

Just as a warning, this may be a little heavy. Andy and I have been talking about what we want our blog to be about, we want it a little more honest instead of just all the warm and fuzzy pictures (don't worry we'll still have those too:)

Some days I wonder what my purpose is....I want to go home after work saying, "another day at work, more lives saved" as any nurse should. But I don't feel that way, I feel like I'm hurting them, poisoning them, making them vomit, and sometimes, ultimately taking their lives with "treatment". Tuesday was especially hard, I walked into work to see a sign stating that my patient who I discharged home on Friday (4 days prior) had passed away on Monday. It wasn't an easy or expected passing. Then I went about my usual crazy day which included giving chemo (making the little kiddo sick), running with another RN to give pain medications before a baby peed because it hurt him so bad (from our treatment), holding a little 4 year old down who's spitting out blood because Mom and I are trying to rinse her mouth out with salt water to "cure" the terrible mouth sores that she has, and getting completely chewed out by a Mom because I didn't get to a beep fast enough (little did she know that I was running into another room of a child going downhill quickly who we transferred to a higher acuity unit) while she stated "doesn't my son's insurance pay you to be a good nurse?" (don't even get me started on who's paying for her child's insurance...)

I know that as a Christian my purpose is to live for Christ, to be Christ to my co-workers and families, and to live with a sense of urgency of His return, but quite frankly, it's hard to do in this environment. Maybe I'm having a bit of a weak moment in life, we're all allowed those every now and again, but it's hard to go to work wondering why I'm there, feeling like I'm making people's lives more miserable.

Not to be too depressing...I have gone back to work one other day and it wasn't as hard, I'm just sharing a little bit of my heart with you all, that's it for now!:)