I've been avoiding this post for quite some time, like months of time, for many reasons. All the normal excuses ran through my head: time, I never sit at my desk to type, etc. etc. but if I'm totally honest with myself, my pride got in the way. I've always considered myself to be a "strong Christian"; one who doesn't question God with various issues but recently, my faith has been tested in a way that I never thought was possible. So here I sit, getting over that pride and writing to you, the reader, what's been going on in my heart hoping that in some way, it might encourage others who are going through or will go through similar things.
As you all know by now, we're adopting. We've written a lot about our ups and downs and all about how people told us there would be so many ups and downs blah blah blah. We thought, we're strong enough, we got this, we've been through cancer, family's divorces, nursing school, times without jobs, credit card debt, etc. But the reality was that my faith was broken, I wrestled with God in a way that I'd only wrestled with him in an old beat up dorm room in Swaziland Africa (which only lasted about 24 hours and my amazing friend Stacey was journeying it with me). The crux of the issue for me was this: God called Andy and I to adopt, specifically in November of 2012. We faithfully followed him even though we had resistance from friends, family, co-workers, strangers, etc. but He didn't seem to be holding up his end of the bargain. Now when it's put into words like that, I realize I sound very childish, of course God always keeps His end of the bargain, but in reality, it might not look the way we would expect or want it to look.
Through all of this, I became angry and bitter at God in a way that I never had before. I cried daily - at home, at work, on the phone with friends/family; I was a mess and I knew it and I hated it. I was short with my kiddos (more than usual anyways;) and mad that I was acting this way and had such a weak faith. I would give myself pep-talks like "come on, you're Haley Jean, you've had a strong faith your whole life, this isn't you, snap out of it, get over it." When the reality was, I just had to get through it. My poor small group with church journeyed with me and graciously listened to my prayer requests each week through tears that God would do something, anything that would cause a bit of peace in my life. One night we had a small group prayer night, thankfully I think there were only about 6-8 of us there cause I lost in during prayer, I sobbed like a baby crying out to Jesus that I was desperate for His intervention, for Him to show Himself to me even in the littlest of ways.
My bitterness and anger continued to grow...I was doing everything I knew to do to "fix" it. I tried all the self-care in the world (running, healthier eating, counseling, drinking, journaling, etc. you name it I tried it) and nothing was working. I remember one specific Sunday at church where the worship leader (who also happens to be my husband - why he didn't run the songs by me before planning is a question I often wonder ;) played the song entitled "Forever Reign" which starts off with "you are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me" and I couldn't do it. I couldn't sing the words to a God that I didn't think was good or had any good attributes. I continued my every day life going to work, cooking dinners, taking care of the kiddos while secretly (or not so secretly) dying inside. It all came to a head at the women's conference at our church. Important note, I HATE women's conferences (stay with me here). I love the idea of hanging out with all my friends and escaping reality and yummy lunches, quiet times on the beach, etc. but being away from Andy makes my normally latent anxiety flare up and so what sounds like a relaxing weekend usually ends up being a weekend of anxious nights laying awake in bed wishing I was home. Knowing that, the weekend was clearly rough, you mix a bitter lady with lack of sleep and nothing good can come out of that ;) Top it off with the fact that the speaker talked a lot about challenging ourselves to get out of the boat like Peter did with Jesus and how God blesses you. My thoughts were, "guess what God, I got out of the boat and you didn't do a damn thing!" (again, when typed it sounds so juvenile, but it felt so real at the time).
Saturday morning I had somehow gotten peer pressured into tap dancing with my pregnant friend Kathleen in front of all the women… it ended up being fine but I was admittedly a total brat about it. Then, after the speaker spoke, we broke up into small groups. I stayed very quiet for all of the questions because a) I didn't want to cry in front of a bunch of strangers b) my pride, I want to hold it together not only because I'm a "strong Christian" but also because my husband works at the church and c) I'd cried enough for one weekend. Also, I was so tired of people telling me it was going to be okay. I knew that in my head but if one more person told me "God has the right child picked out for you, you just have to be patient" I would have strangled them. Let's take a pause, that's the same thing I probably would have said to a friend going through this and it's the truth; for the record I just didn't want to hear it for the millionth time. Unfortunately, what I was going through kind of fit the bill for what the questions were and so Kathleen's Mom Diana (remember the pregnant one who made me tap dance hours earlier?) called me out and said, "I bet Haley has an answer to this question." Looking back on the situation she was so wise because it lead to a beautiful conversation among all ages/walks of life of women and another step on my long journey to healing. We laughed together, cried together, and talked through some difficult things.
I had to leave the speaking engagement later that night because I just couldn't sit there and listen anymore...my anger had reached it's tipping point and I felt as though I was going to stand up and yell profanities at the speaker (side note here: she was preaching the word, she was speaking truth, I just wasn't wanting to hear it at the time) so I graciously exited the meeting hall and hid until small group time. Now, with a new group of women, I put on a smiling face and sat silent through another group but the anxiety within me was growing and about to explode like lava from a volcano. I hurriedly searched around for a friend after small group time because I needed a safe place to let it all out. It was almost like that feeling of being about to vomit...you know it's coming really fast and you just need somewhere to safely let it happen. After struggling to find the perfect safe place/friend I ended up in the bathroom of someone else's hotel room. Some friends were in the actual room just hanging out and I snuck into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and let the waterworks happen (yes, my good friend was taking a shower at the time… all I can imagine is her thinking, "what in the world is happening out there?!?") And we're not talking a few tears trickling down my face, we're talking full on mascara running down, lips swelling (does that happen to anyone else when they cry hard core?), ugly sobbing type crying. I let it out and I let it out hard. My sweet friend got out of the shower, got dressed, and sat with me as I sobbed. She didn't say everything was going to be okay, she didn't rub my back (that I remember anyway), she just sat. It was exactly what I needed. When I calmed down and wiped some of the mascara off my now sweaty and snotty face, she prayed. She admitted in her prayer that she didn't have the words to say but that God knew. It was the most vulnerable, beautiful, lovely prayer I may have ever experienced. We hugged, giggled a little at the situation, and spent the rest of the night having fun with the other girls.
That night was the beginning of my healing, that friend was pivotal in my road to success. It didn't all happen at once but I worked through the anger and the bitterness and can say that I've come out on the other side a healthier and stronger Christian and woman. One of the things that helped me the most was reading Job. The writer put to words how I was feeling (don't get me wrong, what I was/am going through was absolutely nothing compared to what Job went through) but my questioning God and his Holiness, Sovereignty, etc. was put into words for me in that book. One of the best parts of it is that the version that I was reading talks about how a friend came to Job and sat with him for a whole week crying, not saying anything, just crying with him. Exactly like my friend had done that night at the women's conference in that small, stuffy hotel bathroom.
Don't get me wrong, my relationship with God is not by any means perfect but I whole heartedly believe in Him and believe that He has me going through this adoption process for a reason. I no longer secretly judge others for asking God "why?" or questioning His various plans because I've been there and it was a dark and scary place. I may not ever know the reason in this life but He is in control and I can rest assured in that. The process is still hard, I've had to grieve the loss of children that I never got to hold in my arms or love on multiple times over, but I am in such a better place trusting and relying on His perfect timing. I can now say to myself that His timing is perfect and the right kiddos will come along with a smile on my face trusting in a God who loves me even when I am full of anger towards Him.
The women's conference was back in March, it's now 5 months later and we still don't have any kiddos, God works in mysterious ways! I can't wait to finally be able to post a blog entitled "WE GOT OUR KID/KIDS!!!" so stay tuned and feel free to pray along with me that it happens soon.
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