An unexpected love

So I got into this whole adoption thing for the kids.  I wanted to change the life of a child (or multiple children) by raising them in a loving, safe environment that they wouldn't get otherwise.  I was so anxious going into adoption via "fos-adopt" because we did not want a child to come into our home, become a child of ours, and then get ripped out of the family when the bio parents got their 'ish together.  People asked if we would ever consider fostering and I think our response was always a disgusted "heck no".

As you know if you've read a bit about our story, our child was placed in our home just after being taken from her bio parents.  This was not what we planned.  We wanted a "safe" fos-adopt situation where there was no chance they would come into our home and then be taken back out.  We always said this was for Avery and Myla's (our 2 biological daughters) sake but maybe looking back, it was to protect ourselves too (that's for another counseling session another day;).  Anyways, when we got "Olaf" we thought it was going to be super temporary, then maybe a bit longer, then maybe forever.

Our relationship with bio family was more than tumultuous in the beginning.  We did not see them regularly but when we did there would be lots of crying (on both sides), screaming, hitting, kicking, even cussing (unfortunately out of the mouth of our "new" 2 year old).  We would lay awake at night dreading when we'd have to face the family again.  We were the bad guys.  We were the ones taking the child out of the bio parent's arms.  Let's take a pause here and admit that our case is so different  (although are any cases really the same?) because of the medical fragility of our girl so visits were infrequent, unorganized, and quite frankly, Hell.

As time has gone on and visits have become a bit more regular, things have been changing.  This situation, our situation, is way bigger than me and my little family.  The change started specifically at one of our court hearings when I was able to sit and chat with bio mom for about an hour.  She shared her struggles, her history/past, details about herself, her family, and bio dad, her gratitude to my husband and I for taking care of her daughter, etc.  In the same sentence that she was thanking us for taking such good care of Olaf she said, "but I'm going to keep fighting for her."  At first, it was overwhelming and scary.  She is getting her life back together.  She is doing well.  She is fighting for MY daughter and in that moment, it felt like she might win.  Andy and I left that court room feeling so scared and confused.  Now that time has passed, I look back on that conversation and the conversations since that moment and there is such healing and beauty in this whole situation.

I used to hate bio mom (am I allowed to say that on the internet?)  I viewed her as a person who made really bad life choices that continued after having a child and who's choices had an affect on not only one of my children, but my whole family.  I blamed her for Olaf's bad behavior, the kicking, hitting, screaming, whining, constantly needing timeouts, for the bad manners, the addiction to soda and crappy food, not to mention the difficulty she had going to bed when we first got her.  I was mad because of all of the things sweet Olaf had endured in the short 2.5 years she was alive and that we would have to pay for it.  I hated how bio mom just cried and cried at visits and how Olaf would always say, "my mommy is so sad".  And then, bio mom and I chatted for an hour...

I learned a bit about bio Mom's past and what lead her to be where she is today.  I took a step back from the situation and thought about all of the peripheral things in her life that were pushing her down (don't get me wrong here, I'm not giving her an excuse for her bad choices, I'm simply empathizing with her).  I also realized that at this moment, she is doing the best that she knows how to do.  She's getting her life together and even though that looks so very different than me getting my life together, she's trying.  Visits are more than cordial now too.  We hang out where normal people would hang out (parks, etc.) and we chat and then I let them have their time together.  I keep her updated on all things medical, not because I have to, but because I think she deserves to know.

Honestly, it's weird and I can't totally explain it BUT I feel like a small miracle has happened because I can honestly say I love the bio mom.  Not like I love my family or friends, it's a different kind of love but a love none the less.  It's the kind of love that's full of compassion for her and her story.  It's the kind of love that says "We have one thing in common, our daughter, and because of that, I'm going to choose to love you."

I'm amazed to see how God has changed my heart.  Do I want Olaf to be our forever child?  Definitely.  Do I think she will be?  99% sure.  But I can honestly say at this point that if our role in all of this craziness was for us to take care of a child who was sick when nobody else could and to therefore give her bio mom a chance to get back on her feet, I would be okay with that.  I would be sad, maybe even devastated for a time, but okay with it.   God has a way bigger plan here than I could imagine.  Sure, I have my idea of what that plan should be, but He's all-knowing and He knows what's best for all 3 of our girls.  I can rest assured in that and live my life today as the best mama I can be to Olaf  (and my other two of course:) because that's what they deserve.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to love not only our child, but her bio Mom as well.