First off I must admit I just got back from a five night's stay in Mexico with my hubs and our good friends and it was super FABULOUS. I was the laziest I've ever been and it was perfect.
Unfortunately now, I'm back to a harsh reality. I feel like I'm walking around like a zombie, 50% one person, 50% another and I'm kind of a mess. Our situation has somewhat drastically changed with our Olaf, we're now deliberately and aggressively working towards reunification where she could be back with bio mom in a couple of months. Here's my two personalities:
Firstly, THIS ISN'T FAIR!!! This situation is so so so so so so hard and frustrating and painful and not fair. Nobody is fighting for us, nobody (and when I say nobody I mean like in the system, not our friends and family:) cares about the impact that all of this has had on team Koning. Andy, Haley, Avery and Myla are being affected by all of these things and that doesn't matter to anyone in the system. Let's make a list of all of the unfair things: court kept getting put off for silly reasons (the original court date was at the end of last year, when bio mom was still making bad choices but continued to change because of people's schedules, vacations, and unorganization). Had the court date happened when it was supposed to, we wouldn't be where we are today. Olaf would have been adopted months ago. Then, bio mom got the court to side with her, she got a place to live from a family member, she got a car from someone, she had charges against her in other counties that she thought she was going to get incarcerated for but instead, the county dismissed the case and she got to walk away, scott free. We, then, get a phone call (one day before leaving for Mexico, really???) that this whole case has changed to reunification and Olaf is going back to bio mom. What does that look like you ask? Driving an hour to drop off our daughter for a 4 hour visit with her bio mom EVERY SINGLE WEEK. Were we asked if this was even possible for us as a family with other kiddos? No. After a few weeks of 4 hour visits it will switch to 8 hour visits, then weekend visits, then reunification. What was I supposed to say to this phone call? How the hell (sorry, heck) was I supposed to react? We have swim lessons, vacation bible school, a family reunion, camping trips, etc. planned for this summer, we can't just drop everything to make these visits that were never supposed to happen, happen. Also, maybe the icing on the cake for me, the new social worker mentioned that she thinks the best thing for Olaf in the long run is if we stay involved in her life forever (this is when I started crying on the phone, I just couldn't help myself). In the perfect world, once she reunifies with bio mom, we could take her once a month for a weekend to keep our relationship up with her and to provide respite for bio mom. Oh man, I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS. This half of me is angry like I've never been angry before, why does nobody in the system care about the foster family? Why is the system so broken? Why is this so hard? How can anyone expect us or anyone to do this again? Why, God, are you allowing this to happen??? I feel like I'm losing a child (let's take a moment here to pause and say that if you have lost a child to death, disease, mental health, etc. I'm not comparing myself to you, I will never feel the loss that you have experienced) but after having Olaf for 11 months, treating her as a daughter, defending her as a daughter, loving her as a daughter, and being told she is my daughter, it feels like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest. Okay, venting done, thanks for listening, sorry it was so negative, I'm a sinner like the rest of us.
Okay, secondly, this (as I've said before) is a beautiful story. I have a friend who is way wise beyond her years, who has been with me throughout this process both as a support but also going through the ugliness herself (well okay I'll just tell you, it's my friend Annie, she's a stud, get to know her) and she pointed something out to me about my (and her) situations. If you look at this whole thing from an outside perspective, it's such a cool story. There's a woman who has lost children to her problems in the past, has a child that gets sick, gets her child taken away, gets her life together, goes to a facility to get help, graduates from that facility, and fights to get her sick child back (oh and the family that was taking care of her child couldn't have been more perfect for her:) If I heard this story or read it in the newspaper I would think, "oh my gosh, way to go lady, way to fight for your kid and get her back!" How amazing is it that bio mom could get over her problems and get her child back? And how cool is it that I get to be a part of her story? Also, Olaf has fit into this family so seamlessly (now I didn't say perfectly, because no child coming out of such awful backgrounds ever fits in somewhere perfectly) so if she's not our forever child, I can't wait to meet the child that is! How much more perfect for our family will they be? Hopefully it'll be a boy;) And for a moment, I'm a happy Haley who knows that while this time is painful, the whole process will be an amazing picture of selfless love.
So yeah...I'm totally living in a bi-polar body. One moment I think "yeah no freaking way is this child that I love so so so much going back to a potentially harmful situation" and the next moment I find myself smiling thinking about the fact that God let me care for this little life for however long that might be. If you've been through this, how the heck did you survive? What kept you alive? How do we talk to Avery and Myla about it? If you're a friend/family member have grace with Andy, Avery, Myla and I. We're all confused, hurt, angry, happy, sad, etc. etc. etc. You have all been doing an amazing job supporting us, we feel the love, and we really appreciate it. Thanks.
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