To say this past month has been a doozy would be a complete understatement. I've been wanting to write about it here for a while but recognizing that I have to be sensitive in the words that I say realized I need to let everything marinate a little before blasting the internet:) While I am not yet settled about everything, I feel good about talking/writing about it.
The leadership team at Canyon Creek Presbyterian decided that they were going in a new direction, writing a new job description, and that Andy did not fit into that. What I will say is that it was a surprise to us, not only that it happened but how it happened. What I won't say are the details of everything. Andy and I have tried our best to be above reproach throughout the situation and while I'm sure we've messed up along the way, we're trying.
The following week, we FINALLY had the trial for our little Olaf. Remember, this trial has been post-poned multiple times since it's original date in October of last year. We have been assured time and again that because of bio mom's behavior, CPS would not be offering her services of reunification for Olaf. The night before the trial, I was in the car parked in the garage (somewhat stuck in the proverbial sense, I didn't want to go back into the house, back to reality) listening to worship music and watching the storm clouds roll in. I was in a weird place. Then, at 9pm we got a call from our social worker saying that tomorrow, in trial, cps WOULD BE offering reunification services to bio mom. It felt like my heart literally stopped beating and it took everything in me to not start sobbing on the phone (but yes, I was crying;). It was a very quick yet difficult phone call, and then it was over. There was nothing we could do about the decision. All we could do was show up the next day and listen to everything happen. Bio Mom was in fact granted reunification and everything postponed for 6 more months. It does not necessarily mean that she WILL get her back but it is a step in that direction.
Bio Mom and I had a moment...I asked her if I could talk to her about something going on at visits which was followed by, "you know I'm not going to stop fighting for my baby until I get her back right?"
Me: "I know."
Her: "But I want you guys to be a part of her life forever. You stepped up when I couldn't step up, I love you guys more than you know."
Me: "Okay. And although we have no control over this situation, if we have her forever we want YOU to always be a part of her life."
Then we hugged it out.
That was the positive about the trial...anytime I can make a human connection with what often seems to be a statistic, my heart changes a little bit.
Now, we're in such a weird place in so many ways...we cannot parent Olaf the way we do our bio kids because we don't know that she'll be our forever child. We cannot fully let down the walls that we've unfortunately built up the past 9 months that she's lived with us to love her with 100% of our hearts. I do not wish anybody a life of addiction and I certainly wish that once they're clean, they stay clean. I believe in a God of miracles. I believe in a God that can restore broken people, make those that have been addicted to a substance for 20+ years completely clean and never look back. In my heart of hearts, that is what I want for bio mom. Conflictingly (is that a word?:) I want Olaf to be my forever child. I love her like my bio kids and I want to watch her grow up, make wise choices, live an abundant life. Unfortunately, those two things contradict each other at this point in time and it's the tension that we're living in.
Going through this while trying to find a new church feels unbearable. We don't have the same support system we had before and that's what makes the timing of all of this so difficult. Amidst the Olaf drama, we're going to lots of churches every weekend to check them out and see if they're a good fit. Andy's networking like crazy (I'd like to take a moment here and say he's doing a #kickass job finding a new job and totally holding down the fort at home), I'm picking up shifts like crazy to try to pay the bills, and we're both trying to stay out of an insane asylum (I tell me co-workers all the time if I'm not at work that's where I am and to please come visit me:) Have I mentioned that church shopping is weird? You have to decide what areas you're willing to compromise in and what areas you're not. To add an extra layer, it needs to be a church that has an opening for a worship leader. #ha #feelsimpossible
In one of my updates on social media in the past few weeks I started writing the sentence "But it's all part of God's plan..." I have to admit, after saying that for 29 years, I don't know that I can say that with this situation. God is just, God is all loving, God is sovereign. These facts lead me to the questions that so many face, how can a just God allow kids to get cancer? How can a loving God allow all of this to happen to team Koning all at the same time? How can this be part of His good and perfect plan? It's so hard to believe that Olaf could potentially be better off with bio mom. She doesn't lack love, she loves Olaf like crazy, but she lacks almost everything else! Because I cannot add crises of faith to my list of things that I'm going through I am constantly reminding myself that this isn't all God's doing. Much of this is because we live in a fallen broken world and amongst sinners, and because we're sinners ourselves. I am not ready at this point to say that if Olaf goes back to bio mom it's part of God's plan, but what I can say is that God can REDEEM any situation that He chooses. That is where I'm holding steadfast, that is what I am trusting. God doesn't think/can't think that what we're going through is what's best for us, but He can redeem it.
Last thoughts...I hate that this world is imperfect, I hate that we have to have these types of conversations. I hate that I'm so in love with Olaf that I want her to be in my house forever. Why oh why do we live in a place that children have to be taken from their parents? The system is so broken. The system, so far, has failed bio mom and is currently failing us.
Feel free to pray for us. Pray for a job for Andy, pray for bio mom that she will stay strong when she gets out of rehab, pray for our hearts to be open to whatever God has in store for us. Pray for redemption.
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