So I've been avoiding this place...partly because I keep waiting to have good news to write about and partly because people get tired of the hard stuff. Here's my reality, right now, things are still hard and sad and shitty. This past week in particular was a doozie. So if you want really happy uplifting stuff, just stop reading and check in later, eventually, it will come. It has to come. For now, I'm going to be real with where we're at.
The foster care system is f***ed up. It is so very broken. Maybe the hardest part for me is I have no idea how to make it any better, I don't think it's possible that it could be better (okay okay, all things are possible...) CPS is so focused on these statistics that children are better off with their bio family hands down, no questions asked. Well I have questions people! Where are said statistics? How long ago was this survey done? What was the sample size? Because I love contradicted myself right now (I've become bipolar remember?) one thing I've learned is that there is something to be said about the connection that Olaf and her bio Mom have. It's been over a year that she's been in our home and she would still choose her hands down any day over us. Yes, it stings. Yes, it's silly that a 3year old can hurt my feelings. Yes, I'll get over it.
So many inappropriate things have happened during visits and CPS just doesn't care. And the thing is, were not the exception to the rule! I've gotten to know a lot of people throughout this process that I'm so grateful for because they're people that have either gone through what we're going through or are currently in it with us. Each of us has a super unique story but they all have similarities...bio parent got a free crib, bio parent got a free carseat, bio parent needed a diaper bag and diapers and clothes etc. etc. etc. and CPS got it for them!!! When does this become enabling? At what point do bio parents need to get a job and start paying for things like I have to do? Okay...maybe that was too far, it's just so soon...If someone out there has some answers I'm all ears:)
Our little, specifically, is a complete disaster since the long visits started a few weeks ago. She has 100% regressed to the little girl that she was when we got her last August. Fits that last forever, screaming at bedtime, "owieeee" being used as a way to get attention, the list goes on and on. All of these habits we worked so hard to overcome over the past year, back like they were never gone. The poor thing isn't able to verbalize it but she's got to be so confused. With all this time with her bio mom also comes memories with her and a lot more discussion about her. I think she says "I can't wait to go live with my other Mommy" on the daily. The poor thing, she just has no idea.
The thing is, Andy and I are trying to get over ourselves. This is so hard and tricky and ugly and we want to just shun bio mom because of all of her bad decisions and the attitude we get from her. Instead, we're trying (ha, key word trying, that means we still suck at it) to be civil with her and maybe even eventually, have a good relationship. Because in the long run, that is what's best for Olaf. Our relationship has taken a lot of turns and ups and downs, unfortunately it's been down for a while now but I hope and pray that we can turn it around. For the sake of our bio kids, for the sake of Olaf, and in the name of Love. Because as we all know, LOVE WINS.
That was scattered...my life is scattered, #dealwithit
Can't wait to have something to write about like we're selling everything we have and moving to the beach in Florida..stay tuned, I'll try not to be so distant:)
