New Blog!

ATTENTION!!! Friends I have moved my blog to a new location and I'm so excited about it:) Go check it out at:

teamkoning.com

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Yes, we'll still be adopting...

I think mostly people are afraid to ask, but there are a few who do. It goes something like, "I know you're going through a lot and I'm not sure if you've even thought about it, but are you guys going to try to adopt again?" I have three really simple words to tell you, YES WE ARE! What I want to say is "OF COURSE WE ARE!!!" Just because our hearts have been broken with Olaf doesn't change the statistics (which are now 3 years old) that there are over 100,000 children in foster care in CA alone. Sit with that for a minute. We don't call them orphans anymore, but over 100,000 children are without a forever home.  Additionally, our pain doesn't change the fact that the bible talks about caring for widows and orphans multiple times (our personal favorite being James 1:27, look it up:).  And lastly, maybe most importantly, it doesn't change the fact that we were called to this. I get that you don't all understand that, which is fine, just trust me on this one.

We were never promised it would be easy, we were never told to give up when it was tough, we're going to keep forging ahead and we can't wait to continue to grow our family.  Now, don't get me wrong, we're grieving right now and we're not ready TODAY for another child, but make no mistake, we're jumping back into this whole adoption thing.

If you have an opinion on this, keep it to yourself.  Quite frankly, we don't totally want to hear it. Our response would probably be something you wouldn't like, yeah...look out, mama is getting fiesty:)

Happy Weekend.

Party Info

We created an e-vite for Olaf's goodbye party...RSVP if you're able so we have an idea of how many people to expect, thank you for the love and support!

http://evite.me/sf79srQwKv

A Good Goodbye

The time has come sweet friends and family...we have an official time frame that our sweet Olaf will no longer be living with us (in about a month).  Oh my how it hurts my heart to say this!  Having a date is bittersweet, I mean the end is inevitable and most of me wishes it happens sooner rather than later for the sake of everyone involved, but boy is it scary to think of going back to a family of 4.

It feels like each day is a battle, every day I'm making phone calls to doctor's offices, social workers, social worker's supervisors, make-a-wish, the list goes on and on.  I'm drained, I'm tired, and I'm losing my battles.  Losing so much that I begin to wonder why I'm fighting certain ones in the first place.

I recognize that this loss will be felt by our community, our family, our friends,  our friend's friends and there is a part of Andy and I that feel responsible for this loss (yeah yeah, we need to see therapists...).  We are all going to miss this sweet faced little girl.  Her smile can light up a room, her laughter is contagious, and her heart is as sweet as one can be.  For those out there that are feeling this loss, we want you to know we're grieving with you, we love you, and we appreciate you.  We're not totally sure what our grief is going to look like because right now we're not focused on it, but let's all grieve together and support one another.

As I tell people the news, I am met with two types of reactions.  One is anger followed by a myriad of questions about fighting it and statements like "this isn't fair."  If you're in this category, I agree, it's not fair to me, it's not fair to my family, my community, and most importantly, not fair to Olaf (and for the record what I'm referring to here is the whole entire situation, everything that has/has not happened in the past year, not only the fact that she's going back to bio mom).  With that being said, know that we have fought the battles we could fight, we've tried our very best to tell people about the unfairness of what has happened, but to no avail.  So it's time we put it all behind us, accept it, and move on.  The second type of reaction I get as people find out is pure sadness, tears even.  It's happened a few times just in the last week and to you I say thank you.  Thank you for loving Olaf enough to cry when you find out she will be leaving (I know not all of you are cryers and that's fine, I don't expect everyone to cry, I'm just sayin).  Know that both Andy and I are feeling very emotional about the whole thing too and so we might not be able to comfort you the way you need at the time of your grief but know that we love you and appreciate you.

So...our lives, on top of just living life, look like trying to figure out how to have a "good goodbye".  The child therapist that I've been in touch with says this is the most important part (no pressure at all;)    Right now, we're planning a really big goodbye celebration/party.  Everyone will be invited and it will be a huge party (probably bring your own dinner type celebration because of where we're at in life;)  We'll let everyone know when it will be, we're waiting to see how court goes next week but the more the merrier.  We're also planning on making her a photo book of all of the memories and fun times we've had as a family and with friends this past year.  Lastly, we were thinking of letting each girl make a "build a bear" as their "olaf" stuffed animal so that when they miss her, they can go squeeze their bear.  This is where you as the reader come in...any other thoughts?  Do those sound like good ideas/bad ideas?  We're very open to possibilities...

I don't want Olaf to go back.  I hate that this has happened to my family.  But the reality is, it has.  So let's unite in supporting not only one-another as we all grieve this loss differently, but more importantly let's pray for Olaf's bio-Mom.  Let's pray that she stays clean, that she can give Olaf what she needs, that she figures out a way to get her to Doctor's appointments, and that she doesn't go back to old habits.  And most importantly, let's pray for Olaf.  She will have lived with us a minimum of 14months by the time "the goodbye" happens.  She will be confused, scared, happy, and sad.  Pray for her little heart, pray that she will know we all love her.

Avoidance

So I've been avoiding this place...partly because I keep waiting to have good news to write about and partly because people get tired of the hard stuff.  Here's my reality, right now, things are still hard and sad and shitty.  This past week in particular was a doozie.  So if you want really happy uplifting stuff, just stop reading and check in later, eventually, it will come.  It has to come.  For now, I'm going to be real with where we're at.

The foster care system is f***ed up.  It is so very broken.  Maybe the hardest part for me is I have no idea how to make it any better, I don't think it's possible that it could be better (okay okay, all things are possible...)  CPS is so focused on these statistics that children are better off with their bio family hands down, no questions asked.  Well I have questions people!  Where are said statistics?  How long ago was this survey done?  What was the sample size?  Because I love contradicted myself right now (I've become bipolar remember?) one thing I've learned is that there is something to be said about the connection that Olaf and her bio Mom have.  It's been over a year that she's been in our home and she would still choose her hands down any day over us.  Yes, it stings.  Yes, it's silly that a 3year old can hurt my feelings.  Yes, I'll get over it.

So many inappropriate things have happened during visits and CPS just doesn't care.  And the thing is, were not the exception to the rule!  I've gotten to know a lot of people throughout this process that I'm so grateful for because they're people that have either gone through what we're going through or are currently in it with us.  Each of us has a super unique story but they all have similarities...bio parent got a free crib, bio parent got a free carseat, bio parent needed a diaper bag and diapers and clothes etc. etc. etc. and CPS got it for them!!!  When does this become enabling?  At what point do bio parents need to get a job and start paying for things like I have to do?  Okay...maybe that was too far, it's just so soon...If someone out there has some answers I'm all ears:)

Our little, specifically, is a complete disaster since the long visits started a few weeks ago.  She has 100% regressed to the little girl that she was when we got her last August.  Fits that last forever, screaming at bedtime, "owieeee" being used as a way to get attention, the list goes on and on.  All of these habits we worked so hard to overcome over the past year, back like they were never gone.  The poor thing isn't able to verbalize it but she's got to be so confused.  With all this time with her bio mom also comes memories with her and a lot more discussion about her.  I think she says "I can't wait to go live with my other Mommy" on the daily.  The poor thing, she just has no idea.

The thing is, Andy and I are trying to get over ourselves.  This is so hard and tricky and ugly and we want to just shun bio mom because of all of her bad decisions and the attitude we get from her.  Instead, we're trying (ha, key word trying, that means we still suck at it) to be civil with her and maybe even eventually, have a good relationship.  Because in the long run, that is what's best for Olaf.  Our relationship has taken a lot of turns and ups and downs, unfortunately it's been down for a while now but I hope and pray that we can turn it around.  For the sake of our bio kids, for the sake of Olaf, and in the name of Love.  Because as we all know,  LOVE WINS.

That was scattered...my life is scattered, #dealwithit

Can't wait to have something to write about like we're selling everything we have and moving to the beach in Florida..stay tuned, I'll try not to be so distant:)

Hug a Mom

Guys...last week I had my 2nd most horrific parenting moment in public (my first one is a good story, if you haven't heard it ask me about it, it involved Avery as a 5 week old, a long airplane ride to washington, and a stranger lactating because of my child's cries:).  But last week, that dat was bad.  As mentioned before my husband and I were out of town for 5 nights and the kiddos stayed with my mother-in-law (maybe the best gift she's ever given me, thank you thank you, thank you Kathy!!!)  She mentioned some various outbursts and bad behavior that occurred and we figured that there would be some behavioral issues because we'd been gone for so long.  Knowing all of this, I still had to go out to the grocery store with all 3 kids as Andy was at a meeting.  I went into the situation pretty optimisitcally (cough cough maybe arrogantly)...I've been taking 3 kids out with me for 11 months now, I've got this!

The girls really wanted to use the cart with the car attached to it so I grabbed one from outside and let the littles hop in as I wheeled them inside.  Now I am a good mom (every now and again) so I felt the seat with my hand before letting the littles climb in and it was hot, but not like burn their bums hot, just a little uncomfortable hot.  Myla changed her mind before even getting in and Olaf got in and started screaming, flailing, yelling, etc. as I walked into the store.  As the automatic door closed behind me and I felt the flow of air conditioning cool me down I also felt my face turn beat red as I realized this trip was not going to be ideal.  I tried talking to Olaf, pulling her skirt down more so she didn't feel the heat, etc. etc. etc. and nothing worked.  Now this is where you have a choice as a Mom, do you just abandon the cart and drag all 3 kiddos back outside to the 100degree weather to deal with Olaf privately or do you deal with it right then and there?  In the heat (literally) of the moment I decided I was going to do it right then and there, because that, to me at the time, felt like she wasn't winning.  So, when she wouldn't stop flailing/screaming I found a nice little corner in the floral section, I sat her down facing a box, and told her she would stay in time-out until she was done screaming and her 3 minute timer went off (just like I would do at home).  I placed my body, back to her back, standing facing away so that she wouldn't get out of time out and that other people would know from seeing me that someone is with this screaming child.  

Now this situation would be embarrassing regardless, nobody likes having a child throw a fit, let alone in public.  But, I'm pretty convinced that because she doesn't look like me, a higher alarm was raised.  The concern on people's faces is exponential because they're thinking who is this poor black child in the corner screaming and what is that white woman doing just standing with her back towards her?  Should I insert here that I had two other (white) children with me and one was in an identical outfit??? Same haircut, same shirt, same skirt, exact same shoes, literally the same thing, clearly we're together.  But still, I heard, "What's happening to her?", had multiple people coming up to me with the most concerned look on their faces and before letting them speak I would say, "she's mine, she's in time out".  What I wanted to do was yell "STOP JUDGING ME!!!  She may not look like me but she's my child, she's 3 years old, and she's throwing a fit so step off!!!"

I accidentally said out loud, almost in tears, "this is so embarrassing" to which Avery and Myla then continued to repeat (man kids are sharp!).  To make the situation better, I asked Aves to grab some grapes that were probably 15 feet away from where I was standing (still touching my legs to Olaf's back).  Of course since Avery did it, Myla wanted to as well.  To my horror, the bags were all open so when Myla grabbed her bag, she (obviously) immediately flipped it upside down on accident and every last grape spilled out of the bag.  I'm now standing there with a screaming child behind me, a 6 year old carrying grapes and throwing them into the cart, and a 3 year  old standing over a pile of spilled grapes on the floor #awesome.  I made the game day decision to leave Olaf screaming while I go over to profusely apologize to the staff that had now surrounded Myla and to say, yes, she's mine, yes, so is the other one (still in the matching outfit), and yes, so is the third.  I swooped in, cleaned up the grapes despite the fact that the young man was there with a broom to clean up as well promising the manager who had shown up (you know, cause there was a kid screaming incessantly in the floral department) that I would in fact not only pick the grapes up but I would also pay for them.  Oh, and that kid over there screaming?  She's on time out....yeah.  They eventually got the grapes out of my mortified hands, and did not allow me to pay for them.  Olaf stopped screaming after twenty minutes (okay okay okay if felt like 20 minutes but it was really 6.5 minutes) and we went on to do our grocery shopping.  The rest of the trip went better, only one person called Avery a boy (before giving her a knuckle sandwich on her head, I'll forgive him because he was an old man) and multiple people saying, "wow you have your hands full".  Thanks everyone, thanks.

Next time you see someone in a similar situation, go give the mom a hug, a high five, tell her she's doing great, ask if you can help in any way, don't just stare.  She's already mortified enough.  Actually, the next time you see a Mom of young children in general, just give her a hug, chances are, she needs it, STAT.

Life as a Zombie

First off I must admit I just got back from a five night's stay in Mexico with my hubs and our good friends and it was super FABULOUS.  I was the laziest I've ever been and it was perfect.

Unfortunately now, I'm back to a harsh reality.  I feel like I'm walking around like a zombie, 50% one person, 50% another and I'm kind of a mess.  Our situation has somewhat drastically changed with our Olaf, we're now deliberately and aggressively working towards reunification where she could be back with bio mom in a couple of months.  Here's my two personalities:

Firstly, THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!  This situation is so so so so so so hard and frustrating and painful and not fair.  Nobody is fighting for us, nobody (and when I say nobody I mean like in the system, not our friends and family:) cares about the impact that all of this has had on team Koning.  Andy, Haley, Avery and Myla are being affected by all of these things and that doesn't matter to anyone in the system.  Let's make a list of all of the unfair things: court kept getting put off for silly reasons (the  original court date was at the end of last year, when bio mom was still making bad choices but continued to change because of people's schedules, vacations, and unorganization).  Had the court date happened when it was supposed to, we wouldn't be where we are today.  Olaf would have been adopted months ago.  Then, bio mom got the court to side with her, she got a place to live from a family member, she got a car from someone, she had charges against her in other counties that she thought she was going to get incarcerated for but instead, the county dismissed the case and she got to walk away, scott free.  We, then, get a phone call (one day before leaving for Mexico, really???) that this whole case has changed to reunification and Olaf is going back to bio mom.  What does that look like you ask?  Driving an hour to drop off our daughter for a 4 hour visit with her bio mom EVERY SINGLE WEEK.  Were we asked if this was even possible for us as a family with other kiddos? No.  After a few weeks of 4 hour visits it will switch to 8 hour visits, then weekend visits, then reunification.  What was I supposed to say to this phone call?  How the hell (sorry, heck) was I supposed to react?  We have swim lessons, vacation bible school, a family reunion, camping trips, etc. planned for this summer, we can't just drop everything to make these visits that were never supposed to happen, happen.  Also, maybe the icing on the cake for me, the new social worker mentioned that she thinks the best thing for Olaf in the long run is if we stay involved in her life forever (this is when I started crying on the phone, I just couldn't help myself).  In the perfect world, once she reunifies with bio mom, we could take her once a month for a weekend to keep our relationship up with her and to provide respite for bio mom.  Oh man, I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS.  This half of me is angry like I've never been angry before, why does nobody in the system care about the foster family?  Why is the system so broken?  Why is this so hard?  How can anyone expect us or anyone to do this again?  Why, God, are you allowing this to happen???  I feel like I'm losing a child (let's take a moment here to pause and say that if you have lost a child to death, disease, mental health, etc. I'm not comparing myself to you, I will never feel the loss that you have experienced) but after having Olaf for 11 months, treating her as a daughter, defending her as a daughter, loving her as a daughter, and being told she is my daughter, it feels like my heart is literally being ripped out of my chest.  Okay, venting done, thanks for listening, sorry it was so negative, I'm a sinner like the rest of us.

Okay, secondly, this (as I've said before) is a beautiful story.  I have a friend who is way wise beyond her years, who has been with me throughout this process both as a support but also going through the ugliness herself (well okay I'll just tell you, it's my friend Annie, she's a stud, get to know her) and she pointed something out to me about my (and her) situations.  If you look at this whole thing from an outside perspective, it's such a cool story.  There's a woman who has lost children to her problems in the past, has a child that gets sick, gets her child taken away, gets her life together, goes to a facility to get help, graduates from that facility, and fights to get her sick child back (oh and the family that was taking care of her child couldn't have been more perfect for her:)  If I heard this story or read it in the newspaper I would think, "oh my gosh, way to go lady, way to fight for your kid and get her back!"  How amazing is it that bio mom could get over her problems and get her child back?  And how cool is it that I get to be a part of her story?  Also, Olaf has fit into this family so seamlessly (now I didn't say perfectly, because no child coming out of such awful backgrounds ever fits in somewhere perfectly) so if she's not our forever child, I can't wait to meet the child that is!  How much more perfect for our family will they be?  Hopefully it'll be a boy;)  And for a moment, I'm a happy Haley who knows that while this time is painful, the whole process will be an amazing picture of selfless love.

So yeah...I'm totally living in a bi-polar body.  One moment I think "yeah no freaking way is this child that I love so so so much going back to a potentially harmful situation" and the next moment I find myself smiling thinking about the fact that God let me care for this little life for however long that might be.  If you've been through this, how the heck did you survive?  What kept you alive?  How do we talk to Avery and Myla about it?  If you're a friend/family member have grace with Andy, Avery, Myla and I.  We're all confused, hurt, angry, happy, sad, etc. etc. etc.  You have all been doing an amazing job supporting us, we feel the love, and we really appreciate it.  Thanks.

We will be okay...

To say this past month has been a doozy would be a complete understatement.  I've been wanting to write about it here for a while but recognizing that I have to be sensitive in the words that I say realized I need to let everything marinate a little before blasting the internet:)  While I am not yet settled about everything, I feel good about talking/writing about it.

The leadership team at Canyon Creek Presbyterian decided that they were going in a new direction, writing a new job description, and that Andy did not fit into that.  What I will say is that it was a surprise to us, not only that it happened but how it happened.  What I won't say are the details of everything.  Andy and I have tried our best to be above reproach throughout the situation and while I'm sure we've messed up along the way, we're trying.

The following week, we FINALLY had the trial for our little Olaf.  Remember, this trial has been post-poned multiple times since it's original date in October of last year.  We have been assured time and again  that because of bio mom's behavior, CPS would not be offering her services of reunification for Olaf.  The night before the trial, I was in the car parked in the garage (somewhat stuck in the proverbial sense, I didn't want to go back into the house, back to reality) listening to worship music and watching the storm clouds roll in.  I was in a weird place.  Then, at 9pm we got a call from our social worker saying that tomorrow, in trial, cps WOULD BE offering reunification services to bio mom. It felt like my heart literally stopped beating and it took everything in me to not start sobbing on the phone (but yes, I was crying;).  It was a very quick yet difficult phone call, and then it was over.  There was nothing we could do about the decision.  All we could do was show up the next day and listen to everything happen.  Bio Mom was in fact granted reunification and everything postponed for 6 more months.  It does not necessarily mean that she WILL get her back but it is a step in that direction.

Bio Mom and I had a moment...I asked her if I could talk to her about something going on at visits which was followed by, "you know I'm not going to stop fighting for my baby until I get her back right?"
Me: "I know."
Her: "But I want you guys to be a part of her life forever.  You stepped up when I couldn't step up, I love you guys more than you know."
Me: "Okay.  And although we have no control over this situation, if we have her forever we want YOU to always be a part of her life."
Then we hugged it out.
That was the positive about the trial...anytime I can make a human connection with what often seems to be a statistic, my heart changes a little bit.

Now, we're in such a weird place in so many ways...we cannot parent Olaf the way we do our bio kids because we don't know that she'll be our forever child.  We cannot fully let down the walls that we've unfortunately built up the past 9 months that she's lived with us to love her with 100% of our hearts.  I do not wish anybody a life of addiction and I certainly wish that once they're clean, they stay clean.  I believe in a God of miracles. I believe in a God that can restore broken people, make those that have been addicted to a substance for 20+ years completely clean and never look back.  In my heart of hearts, that is what I want for bio mom.  Conflictingly (is that a word?:) I want Olaf to be my forever child.  I love her like my bio kids and I want to watch her grow up, make wise choices, live an abundant life.  Unfortunately, those two things contradict each other at this point in time and it's the tension that we're living in.

Going through this while trying to find a new church feels unbearable.  We  don't have the same support system we had before and that's what makes the timing of all of this so difficult.  Amidst the Olaf drama, we're going to lots of churches every weekend to check them out and see if they're a good fit.  Andy's networking like crazy (I'd like to take a moment here and say he's doing a #kickass job finding a new job and totally holding down the fort at home), I'm picking up shifts like crazy to try to pay the bills, and we're both trying to stay out of an insane asylum (I tell me co-workers all the time if I'm not at work that's where I am and to please come visit me:)  Have I mentioned that church shopping is weird?  You have to decide what areas you're willing to compromise in and what areas you're not.  To add an extra layer, it needs to be a church that has an opening for a worship leader. #ha #feelsimpossible

In one of my updates on social media in the past few weeks I started writing the sentence "But it's all part of God's plan..."  I have to admit, after saying that for 29 years, I don't know that I can say that with this situation.  God is just, God is all loving, God is sovereign.  These facts lead me to the questions that so many face, how can a just God allow kids to get cancer?  How can a loving God allow all of this to happen to team Koning all at the same time?  How can this be part of His good and perfect plan?  It's so hard to believe that Olaf could potentially be better off with bio mom.  She doesn't lack love, she loves Olaf like crazy, but she lacks almost everything else!  Because I cannot add crises of faith to my list of things that I'm going through I am constantly reminding myself that this isn't all God's doing.  Much of this is because we live in a fallen broken world and amongst sinners, and because we're sinners ourselves.  I am not ready at this point to say that if Olaf goes back to bio mom it's part of God's plan, but what I can say is that God can REDEEM any situation that He chooses.  That is where I'm holding steadfast, that is what I am trusting.  God doesn't think/can't think that what we're going through is what's best for us, but He can redeem it.

Last thoughts...I hate that this world is imperfect, I hate that we have to have these types of conversations.  I hate that I'm so in love with Olaf that I want her to be in my house forever.  Why oh why do we live in a place that children have to be taken from their parents? The system is so broken.  The system, so far, has failed bio mom and is currently failing us.

Feel free to pray for us.  Pray for a job for Andy, pray for bio mom that she will stay strong when she gets out of rehab, pray for our hearts to be open to whatever God has in store for us.  Pray for redemption.

Protecting our Kids

One of the many hats we wear as parents is a protective one.  We recently crossed a bridge that I never imagine crossing (in the hypothetical sense of course) and it's had my mind spinning in circles since it happened.  I'm not working through being a helicopter parent (because for the record, if you're one, I think you're annoying, and I mean that in love) I'm talking about the difficult decisions around bio families and "other" bio families.

This has become super difficult for my two bio kiddos since taking in a foster to adopt child.  There are times that Olaf will randomly start talking about various memories (very very difficult memories) and we panic...we want her to know it's safe to talk about them but we don't want our bio kids to be exposed to such awful memories.

We've also been "protecting" them from bio Mom...they know about her (obviously because we talk about her a lot with Olaf) but we weren't sure we were comfortable with them meeting her.  Recently though, the time came where it was unavoidable.  I panicked a little before hand, a little during, and a lot after but then I came to a beautiful conclusion.  I don't think we're protecting them from anything by not having them meet bio Mom.  She's a part of Olaf's story.  She's a woman who has had a really hard life, made some good decisions, made some bad decisions, but is doing the best that she knows how at cleaning up her life.  She's part of Olaf's family, end of story.

What a cool thing that my bio kids get to experience this!  It goes with this over-arching theme of teaching them to love the unlovable.  We love Olaf's other Mommy because she gave birth and cared for Olaf for a few years.  We love her because society shuns her.  We love her because, even though I it's difficult to watch, she's doing her best with the cards she's been dealt.

I don't know how this whole thing is going to turn out.  I definitely never pictured myself here, a few days before a very significant trial in the case happens, thinking about the affect that Olaf's bio Mom has on my bio kids.  Foster care/adoption is a hard, scary, sticky, unknown process, but it is so beautiful.  Chalk this up to yet another thing I wasn't prepared for as a entered this journey:)

Welcome, bio Mom, to our broken, crazy, imperfect family, you fit right in.

Haircuts for all!

I have never been as proud of my children as I am tonight, they were a perfect picture of love.  My heart was literally bursting with joy!!!

Avery and Myla have been asking us to shave their heads for a while to be like Olaf.  We put it off, changed the subject, always had a reason to not do it.  But tonight, we did it.  I know that not all of you will understand our decisions and that's okay but we want you to understand our hearts.


In the world that we're living in, so much of beauty is placed on outside appearance, education, money, job status, etc.  We feel it is our job as parents to help our girls feel otherwise.  While beauty is somewhat found in looks, it is mainly within: looking to serve others before yourselves, caring for widows and orphans, empowering women, I could go on all night...  Tonight, my kids captured that as 5.5 and 3 year olds.

Sweet Avery and Myla wanted to support their sister who has been battling rhabdomyosarcoma for a year now.  They were sick and tired of people staring at her and/or making fun of her and what better way than to join in with her?

We are not naive...admittedly Avery had some anxiety beforehand saying, "what if my friends make fun of me?"  We told her what her response could be and she promptly (for the millionth time) asked us to shave her head.  We know that kids will most likely make fun of them and that tears are a real potential related to this decision BUT we think the payoff is way greater.  Avery and Myla, your beauty is within.

Everyone's response so far?  ECSTATIC!  Olaf (the sister with the cancer) had the biggest smile on her face watching the girls get their heads shaved.  Avery and Myla ran around the house like crazy people telling each other how beautiful they were.

I love that my kids aren't afraid to be different, I love that they love their sister, I love that they're so very excited about their new haircuts, I love how their little hearts are being shaped into such amazingly loving people, I love my family.

An unexpected love

So I got into this whole adoption thing for the kids.  I wanted to change the life of a child (or multiple children) by raising them in a loving, safe environment that they wouldn't get otherwise.  I was so anxious going into adoption via "fos-adopt" because we did not want a child to come into our home, become a child of ours, and then get ripped out of the family when the bio parents got their 'ish together.  People asked if we would ever consider fostering and I think our response was always a disgusted "heck no".

As you know if you've read a bit about our story, our child was placed in our home just after being taken from her bio parents.  This was not what we planned.  We wanted a "safe" fos-adopt situation where there was no chance they would come into our home and then be taken back out.  We always said this was for Avery and Myla's (our 2 biological daughters) sake but maybe looking back, it was to protect ourselves too (that's for another counseling session another day;).  Anyways, when we got "Olaf" we thought it was going to be super temporary, then maybe a bit longer, then maybe forever.

Our relationship with bio family was more than tumultuous in the beginning.  We did not see them regularly but when we did there would be lots of crying (on both sides), screaming, hitting, kicking, even cussing (unfortunately out of the mouth of our "new" 2 year old).  We would lay awake at night dreading when we'd have to face the family again.  We were the bad guys.  We were the ones taking the child out of the bio parent's arms.  Let's take a pause here and admit that our case is so different  (although are any cases really the same?) because of the medical fragility of our girl so visits were infrequent, unorganized, and quite frankly, Hell.

As time has gone on and visits have become a bit more regular, things have been changing.  This situation, our situation, is way bigger than me and my little family.  The change started specifically at one of our court hearings when I was able to sit and chat with bio mom for about an hour.  She shared her struggles, her history/past, details about herself, her family, and bio dad, her gratitude to my husband and I for taking care of her daughter, etc.  In the same sentence that she was thanking us for taking such good care of Olaf she said, "but I'm going to keep fighting for her."  At first, it was overwhelming and scary.  She is getting her life back together.  She is doing well.  She is fighting for MY daughter and in that moment, it felt like she might win.  Andy and I left that court room feeling so scared and confused.  Now that time has passed, I look back on that conversation and the conversations since that moment and there is such healing and beauty in this whole situation.

I used to hate bio mom (am I allowed to say that on the internet?)  I viewed her as a person who made really bad life choices that continued after having a child and who's choices had an affect on not only one of my children, but my whole family.  I blamed her for Olaf's bad behavior, the kicking, hitting, screaming, whining, constantly needing timeouts, for the bad manners, the addiction to soda and crappy food, not to mention the difficulty she had going to bed when we first got her.  I was mad because of all of the things sweet Olaf had endured in the short 2.5 years she was alive and that we would have to pay for it.  I hated how bio mom just cried and cried at visits and how Olaf would always say, "my mommy is so sad".  And then, bio mom and I chatted for an hour...

I learned a bit about bio Mom's past and what lead her to be where she is today.  I took a step back from the situation and thought about all of the peripheral things in her life that were pushing her down (don't get me wrong here, I'm not giving her an excuse for her bad choices, I'm simply empathizing with her).  I also realized that at this moment, she is doing the best that she knows how to do.  She's getting her life together and even though that looks so very different than me getting my life together, she's trying.  Visits are more than cordial now too.  We hang out where normal people would hang out (parks, etc.) and we chat and then I let them have their time together.  I keep her updated on all things medical, not because I have to, but because I think she deserves to know.

Honestly, it's weird and I can't totally explain it BUT I feel like a small miracle has happened because I can honestly say I love the bio mom.  Not like I love my family or friends, it's a different kind of love but a love none the less.  It's the kind of love that's full of compassion for her and her story.  It's the kind of love that says "We have one thing in common, our daughter, and because of that, I'm going to choose to love you."

I'm amazed to see how God has changed my heart.  Do I want Olaf to be our forever child?  Definitely.  Do I think she will be?  99% sure.  But I can honestly say at this point that if our role in all of this craziness was for us to take care of a child who was sick when nobody else could and to therefore give her bio mom a chance to get back on her feet, I would be okay with that.  I would be sad, maybe even devastated for a time, but okay with it.   God has a way bigger plan here than I could imagine.  Sure, I have my idea of what that plan should be, but He's all-knowing and He knows what's best for all 3 of our girls.  I can rest assured in that and live my life today as the best mama I can be to Olaf  (and my other two of course:) because that's what they deserve.  I am so grateful for the opportunity to love not only our child, but her bio Mom as well.

 

When Chemo stops working (or not)

I've been wanting to write this post for a while but haven't been able to get myself to do it.  Partly because it deals with a hard/ugly time in my life, partly because I don't know that anyone cares:)  But because I know there are other people on similar journeys out there and because it takes a village, here I go (before you panic remember this is written now about something that happened a couple of months ago)

When you or a family member is going through a life and death situation, it's a roller coaster.  When you're going through an adoption, it's also a roller coaster.  Lastly, when you're going through both it's just plain shitty (sorry to offend any of you with that word).  As far as we knew when we got Olaf, treatment had been working wonderfully.  The combo pack of chemo (aka IV poison) and radiation (aka beam poison) was shrinking the tumors with magnificent responses.

Myla and Olaf take a ballet class every Monday and because it's been winter and they're usually bundled up, this is often the only time we see their little arms.  One day we noticed Olaf's cancer arm seemed abnormally large.  We were heading in for chemo a couple of days later so we didn't worry too much about it.

The day she was admitted I was working and I knew things couldn't be good when our Nurse Practitioner (also a co-worker and friend) approached me saying she wanted to talk to Andy and I about Olaf.  The walk to her room seemed endless and my heart was beating what felt like 1000BPM (beats per minute, sorry non medical people).  The NP proceeded to tell us that we would not be admitted because the size of her arm was concerning for tumor growth.  Cue nausea...

How in the world could chemo just all of a sudden stop working???  My mind was blown.  I was quickly educated that this is often what rhabdomyosarcoma does.  It's a tricky little cancer and has ways to learn to adapt to the various poisons we're throwing at it and get away with it.  Rhabdo is a jerk.

We made a plan of what do to from there which involved MRI's, CT's, ultrasounds, and eventually another admit.  The few days between hearing this news and answers were some of the longest of our lives.  Sure, we lived our lives, went to work, took care of the kids, etc. but I'm pretty sure we were both zombies.  All of the "what ifs" ran through our heads constantly making it almost impossible to focus on the potential positives.

What did they find you ask?  Nothing.  The tumors continued to shrink just like we thought they were doing all along (for those of you who are medical and wondering why surgical intervention wasn't an option it's because the tumors are too wrapped up in the nerves).  Unfortunately the re-admission was the night before Myla's 3rd birthday...cue 24 hours of this mama crying (psychologically what am I doing to my other two children???, etc.).  Right now we're calling it lymphedema...it's swelling from long term affects of radiation.  The treatment?  A compression sleeve, and of course my 3 year old picked bright pink.  Just another reason for the good people of San Ramon to stare at my black/latina child with no hair, #awesome.  The good news: everything worked out, we all made it to Myla's birthday party and the chemo continued to work, praise God.

It's not that great for everyone though and that's going to be my struggle the rest of my life.  Sometimes, the chemo stops working.  Families continue to suffer with the losses of loved ones, pain continues to persist.  I hate cancer.  I hate the suffering that cancer causes.  I hate the pain that cancer causes.  I'm so glad that at this point, Olaf's chemo is still working and I'm so sorry for any of you out there where it stopped working.  That totally sucks.

The time has come!!!

Hey team!  Olaf's last scheduled chemotherapy treatment is this Friday, January 23rd!!!  We'd love for you all to wear your shirts and post somewhere on social media (instagram or Facebook) your picture with the hashtag: #dropkickrhabdo .  If you don't have fb or insta find someone who does and have them take your picture and post it, it's an easy way to get all of the pictures together so we can show them to our sweet girl throughout the day:)  Feel free to send us your good thoughts and prayers as she gets pretty sick with these treatments.  So don't forget, this Friday, wear your shirts!!!

p.s. please remember DO NOT TAG ANDY OR HALEY with these photos...because she's in foster care, it's complicated...

p.p.s. we do have some extras...we have a couple 2XL's left and a plethora of mediums if you're still interested as well as some kids smalls and a couple xs:)

An unexpected new passion

As many of you know, our lives have changed pretty drastically over the past 4 months (if you aren't up to date check out older posts).  I am continually being molded and shaped throughout this process and continue to seek out how I can "care for widows and orphans" and be a part of social justice around the world.

I had the opportunity to host a Noonday party recently through a friend Erin Moffett as a way to raise money for our adoption.  Before I go any further, let's rewind for a minute...my whole life I have been VERY ANTI JEWELRY PARTIES (not totally sure why).  In fact when my sister originally asked me to co-host with her I said no because I didn't want to be a hypocrite.  But after researching the company a bit more I said yes to the party and my life was changed!  We hosted the party and I fell in love with not only the jewelry but the stories behind it and the company as a whole.  So much so that I have decided to partner with the company and become a Noonday Ambassador so that I can host the shows and educate others about how we are able to use our purchasing power for good.  The company helps lift people out of poverty around the world by paying fair wages and each piece comes with the artisan's story.  Not only that but if you or someone you know is adopting you can host an adoption show (how I fell in love with the company) where 10% of all proceeds go to the adopting family! 

I, myself, cannot believe that I'm doing this BUT I am so excited to embark on something that empowers women around the world (and admittedly has nothing to do with kids with cancer;).  I would love for you to join me in this journey by hosting a party or you can go to www.haleykoning.noondaycollection.com and check out the amazing things that people around the world are creating, there are some amazing things!

Olaf T-shirts (and some...)

Alright team, the time has come to pay for the Olaf t-shirts!  They are $20/t-shirt and will come with any instructions regarding social media rules and any special dates we'll plan on wearing them:)  There are a few ways you can make the payment:
1. Mail us a check (please e mail us for our address if you do not have it: haley.j.koning@gmail.com)
2. You can pay us via paypal (you will need to enter my e-mail or phone number).  If you do it this way please use the paypal "gift" option so that we are not charged a percentage for using the service).
3. Give us cash or check in person.

We are not totally sure when the t-shirts will be ready but they are being worked on now, we'll update you as we are able.

To clear up any misunderstandings, we wanted to clarify why we are fundraising.  We are loving Olaf during this time where she is being treated for cancer. We do not know for sure at this point if she will be a part of our forever family BUT we know we were made to love her and support her right now.  Because of this, life has looked different since getting her in August.  I have not been able to work as much as usual (related to court dates, hospitalizations, transfusions and out patient infusions) and generally, the days that I am taking off, I do not get paid (this is in the amounts of hundreds of dollars per day lost).  We are also having to pay a babysitter for more hours than normal to watch our other two between our two jobs and all of the appointments.  On top of all of this, we have decided for our sanity, that I (Haley) will be taking leave (family bonding) for 7 weeks so we can all take a deep breath before continuing on in this journey (I will get paid a percentage of my pay during this time).  The government does pay us monthly for foster care but it does not come near covering all of these expenses.  We will continue to do fundraisers and love and support this child either forever or until she goes back to her biological family (please understand that right now, it does look like she will be with us forever but we can never say that for sure until adoption papers are signed).

We want to be transparent through this process and hope to encourage others to get out of their comfort zone and do something that seems impossible or uncomfortable.  We have been blessed beyond measure by Olaf and this process and would not do anything differently if given the chance. Please come to us with questions or concerns and know that we would love to discuss all of this with you on a personal basis.

Tie-Dye Fundraiser

Hello friends!!!

So…we're doing a little show your support/fundraiser for our sweet "Olaf" girl.  She still has a very long road ahead of her with chemo (minimum 22 weeks).  In order to show her our love and support we're making "#%*¥ Girl" (sorry, her real name will be on the tshirt, just not the Internet:) t-shirts and would love for you guys to buy them.  They'll be between $15-$20 (will be collected at a later date) and will really make her feel special.  Here is the info I need from you by Thursday the 30th:

-size (they'll be unisex)

-color (options are tie-dye or plain white, I'm suggesting the tie-dye)

They will also be available in kids' sizes, just not sure what color they will be-definitely order them for your littles, she'll love it!

Please email your orders to haley.j.koning@gmail.com

Feel free to pass this on to anyone and everyone, the more support the better!  Thank you in advance:)

Can't wait for us to all be in our "Olaf" shirts!

-Haley

Where we are today…a family of 5.

I don't totally know where to begin this post so I'm just going to dive in.  For those that don't know, we have a new kiddo!  She has been in our home for 3 weeks now and is such a little love and a blessing.  It all started about 4 weeks ago…we were still waiting on a sibling set we thought we were getting but I heard of a little girl about Myla's age who needed a home and was kind of everything we said no to….

Actually…lets rewind even further…about a week before 4 weeks ago (so five weeks ago:) our great friends Kaitllyn and Justin Campbell were in town from southern CA with their son Jackson (one of the cutest kids you'll ever meet).  Their church has been going through a lot lately and we had some really great, really deep discussions about what we want our lives to look like and how we want to live radically and differently and want to make a difference in our world.  Andy and I have felt convicted about the way our world, particularly the San Ramon Valley solves problems; we feel like we (as in the greater we) just throw money at problems.  Kids need water in Africa?  Send money through World Vision.  Hurricane tore through homes?  Send money.  People in Mexico need a home but we don't have any more vacation time because it's all spent going on real vacations?  Send money.  Don't get me wrong…Andy and I support a child through World Vision and sending money is good and necessary etc., we just feel like we could be doing more, that maybe God calls everyone to do more (even though that might look different for everyone).  Kaitlyn got on this beautiful soapbox one night we were hanging out about radical living and what if God's intention for the church wasn't just to go to church on Sundays, hang out with each other in between, and send money off to people in need, what if it was so much more?  I couldn't help but leak a little bit (that's what my dad calls crying:) because I couldn't agree more.  No, I don't know what this looks like and no I don't know what it means for everyone.  For Andy and I, it meant saying yes more.  It meant saying yes when things were uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and didn't seem to make any sense.  Someone in my life that has exemplified this has been my Dad, from what I knew as a child, he always said yes!  Someone needs a home?  YES they can stay with us until they get on their feet.  Someone needs a job?  YES you can work for DVM if you work hard.  A week later, we were presented with an opportunity to say yes and a week after that, our lives were changed forever.

We said yes to a little girl with serious medical issues who had recently been removed from her biological family.  There were so many things about this that seemed irrational:  firstly, we have been using our agency all the way out in Modesto to avoid this exact situation, we didn't want to get involved until parental rights had been terminated so we would not bring a child into our home only to have them go back to their bio family, she did not meet this criteria.  Secondly, with her medical issues we are at the doctor Monday-Friday as well as at least one additional visit per week, in-patient stays at the hospital at least every 3 weeks, etc. which we didn't want to do, I always said, "I'm a nurse at work, I don't want to be one at home to."  Ha, I was wrong, I'm doing more medical procedures at home than I ever thought possible!  Despite these things and many more, we couldn't be happier about our decision to say yes.  It's messy, it's hard, I cry a lot, I haven't taken time off work because we're not sure if she's our "forever child" or not so I'm tired, we just take it day by day and work together as a family.  The Lord's blessings are amazing to see, the smile that she brings to our faces and those around us is unmeasurable.

As of yesterday, we're 3 weeks into being a family of 5 and the "newness" and excitement is over.  The girls (as in my bio kids) are over it, our newest addition is over it, she doesn't always like our house rules and it's a hard adjustment coming from where she came.  I got to a point last week where I felt like yeah, we're blessing this sweet little girl but are we totally messing up our bio kids?  Myla has regressed…she isn't talking like she used to talk, potty training is no longer an option, and she screams A LOT.  Avery is doing better than Myla but her sass (which she already had a lot of) has grown exponentially and she has outbursts unlike she had before.  I called my friend Crystal when I reached my breaking point who I met through this adoption process and who has (as of last Tuesday) officially adopted her sweet little girl Brooklyn and she gave me such wise advice, "it's hard now, but think of the amazing people we are helping them grow up to be".  Such amazing words…yes it is hard, Jesus never said it was going to be easy, but Avery and Myla are going to grow up knowing how to love people differently than those around them.  They're going to know how to love more like Jesus loved, when it was uncomfortable and hard and unpopular and people didn't get it.  They will be better people because of this time, whether we end up adopting this sweet little girl or not.

I know that this is somewhat of a vague update but because it's the internet we have to be careful:)  We covet your prayers during this time, specifically for Andy and I's strength and perseverance through all of these late nights, early mornings, continuing our jobs, Doctor's appointments, etc.  We also ask that you pray for Avery and Myla as they're adjusting to so much (they both started school this week which I think will help:).  And lastly pray for our newest addition; pray that the treatment she is going through heals her, pray that she doesn't get too sick in the meantime, and pray for her to have strength to make it through it all.  I look forward to the day when I can tell more of her story and post a picture, until then, thank  you for your support and prayers.

Oregon

Long story short we were on track to getting a sibling set of kiddos at the end of June which didn't happen, then in the middle of July which also didn't happen so we decided to escape reality a little bit and head up to Oregon.  The adventure was twofold… one was to visit Andy's family who lives up there and secondly to have a mini college reunion (one roomie and her family were heading up so we went up, 2 came down from seattle, and one lives in beaverton:)  It was such a fun adventure because we got to explore Portland unlike we've done before, see friends, hang out with family, etc.  Andy and I got to go out on a date and the girls loved their time, win win win:)  Here are some shots from the week up there!

It is a really long drive to Portlant…this was our lunch stop for peaches and taco bell:)

Myla was having a hard time but we eventually discovered "adventures in odyssey" which saved out trip!

We were driving up fast to make it in time for Papa's birthday party and we did it!  Aves added a little spice to the party and we had a paper airplane competition:)

Andy and I with the birthday boy!

The Portland Children's Discovery museum is possibly my favorite kids museum ever…myla could not have been more thrilled about it, she loved grocery shopping!

We got to hang out a lot with the cool Replogle kids who taught us things like singing a prayer and how to have fun in any situation…they're the best!  Thanks Maija and Evan for playing with us!

Andy and I got out on a date night where we went to a really cool brewery for happy hour and got to try 15 different beers!

We then discovered the best ice cream i have ever had in my whole life…literally.  Salt and straw in portland is where it's at people!

The next day we adventured with the replogles and katie p to maltnomah falls!

the 4 kiddos:)

roomies!!!  so fun...

these kiddos couldn't get enough of each other...

we stopped somewhere random for lunch and caught maija and aves telling jokes to each other, it was too cute!

the kids celebrating that they got cookies for dessert.

I love trying to get 4 kids to smile for a picture…it just never happens.  we let them watch frozen before bed one night:)

then michelle joined us from seattle!!!  

in dirty turner style anne joined us via private jet late saturday night...

We took the opportunity Sunday morning to go out as just ladies, no husbands, no kids and it was so fabulous and refreshing.

Grammy got out a box of Andy's old hats (apparently he collected them:) and the kids had so much fun with them!

"Ay ay captain!"

Auntie Anne had fun with them too:)

more cookies!

and cookies for the ladies:)

Our last adventure day together started off getting yummy donuts!

then we took a ride on "the bean" to visit the hospitals on the top of the mountain (so so so so so so nice!)

Our last evening we made the rounds with family again…we stopped by Tia and Gam's house where the we played the piano and wrote on the white board.

So much fun!

We went to aunt Julie's for dinner…the kiddos love their Grammy!

Who could resist that face?

Millie and Aunt Julie…she's going through a hands in her mouth phase:)

Great Nana, Papa and the girls.

So hard to get all the people to stop moving and look at the camera!:)

Aunt Julie and Uncle Don just finished re-doing their backyard and we got to sit around the brand new fire pit!!! Looks great guys!

Daddy and Aves playing wiffle ball…she was quite good at it!

oh millie

the drive home…millie ate so many blueberries her whole mouth turned blue!

the treat at the end of the trip was starbucks for all!

The Shaws had our dog so we stopped in Antioch to pick her up and Erica made us a delicious dinner…myla was in charge of watching nora and thought it was the funniest thing when she fell over:)

Thanks for spending time with us everyone, we love seeing you all!

Some Struggles #realtalk2014

I've been avoiding this post for quite some time, like months of time, for many reasons.  All the normal excuses ran through my head: time, I never sit at my desk to type, etc. etc. but if I'm totally honest with myself, my pride got in the way.  I've always considered myself to be a "strong Christian"; one who doesn't question God with various issues but recently, my faith has been tested in a way that I never thought was possible.  So here I sit, getting over that pride and writing to you, the reader, what's been going on in my heart hoping that in some way, it might encourage others who are going through or will go through similar things.

As you all know by now, we're adopting.  We've written a lot about our ups and downs and all about how people told us there would be so many ups and downs blah blah blah.  We thought, we're strong enough, we got this, we've been through cancer, family's divorces, nursing school, times without jobs, credit card debt, etc.  But the reality was that my faith was broken, I wrestled with God in a way that I'd only wrestled with him in an old beat up dorm room in Swaziland Africa (which only lasted about 24 hours and my amazing friend Stacey was journeying it with me).  The crux of the issue for me was this: God called Andy and I to adopt, specifically in November of 2012.  We faithfully followed him even though we had resistance from friends, family, co-workers, strangers, etc. but He didn't seem to be holding up his end of the bargain.  Now when it's put into words like that, I realize I sound very childish, of course God always keeps His end of the bargain, but in reality, it might not look the way we would expect or want it to look.

Through all of this, I became angry and bitter at God in a way that I never had before.  I cried daily - at home, at work, on the phone with friends/family; I was a mess and I knew it and I hated it.  I was short with my kiddos (more than usual anyways;) and mad that I was acting this way and had such a weak faith.  I would give myself pep-talks like "come on, you're Haley Jean, you've had a strong faith your whole life, this isn't you, snap out of it, get over it."  When the reality was, I just had to get through it.  My poor small group with church journeyed with me and graciously listened to my prayer requests each week through tears that God would do something, anything that would cause a bit of peace in my life.  One night we had a small group prayer night, thankfully I think there were only about 6-8 of us there cause I lost in during prayer, I sobbed like a baby crying out to Jesus that I was desperate for His intervention, for Him to show Himself to me even in the littlest of ways. 

My bitterness and anger continued to grow...I was doing everything I knew to do to "fix" it.  I tried all the self-care in the world (running, healthier eating, counseling, drinking, journaling, etc. you name it I tried it) and nothing was working.  I remember one specific Sunday at church where the worship leader (who also happens to be my husband - why he didn't run the songs by me before planning is a question I often wonder ;) played the song entitled "Forever Reign" which starts off with "you are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me" and I couldn't do it.  I couldn't sing the words to a God that I didn't think was good or had any good attributes. I continued my every day life going to work, cooking dinners, taking care of the kiddos while secretly (or not so secretly) dying inside.  It all came to a head at the women's conference at our church.  Important note, I HATE women's conferences (stay with me here).  I love the idea of hanging out with all my friends and escaping reality and yummy lunches, quiet times on the beach, etc. but being away from Andy makes my normally latent anxiety flare up and so what sounds like a relaxing weekend usually ends up being a weekend of anxious nights laying awake in bed wishing I was home.  Knowing that, the weekend was clearly rough, you mix a bitter lady with lack of sleep and nothing good can come out of that ;)  Top it off with the fact that the speaker talked a lot about challenging ourselves to get out of the boat like Peter did with Jesus and how God blesses you.  My thoughts were, "guess what God, I got out of the boat and you didn't do a damn thing!" (again, when typed it sounds so juvenile, but it felt so real at the time).

Saturday morning I had somehow gotten peer pressured into tap dancing with my pregnant friend Kathleen in front of all the women… it ended up being fine but I was admittedly a total brat about it.  Then, after the speaker spoke, we broke up into small groups.  I stayed very quiet for all of the questions because a) I didn't want to cry in front of a bunch of strangers b) my pride, I want to hold it together not only because I'm a "strong Christian" but also because my husband works at the church and c) I'd cried enough for one weekend.  Also, I was so tired of people telling me it was going to be okay. I knew that in my head but if one more person told me "God has the right child picked out for you, you just have to be patient" I would have strangled them.  Let's take a pause, that's the same thing I probably would have said to a friend going through this and it's the truth; for the record I just didn't want to hear it for the millionth time. Unfortunately, what I was going through kind of fit the bill for what the questions were and so Kathleen's Mom Diana (remember the pregnant one who made me tap dance hours earlier?) called me out and said, "I bet Haley has an answer to this question."  Looking back on the situation she was so wise because it lead to a beautiful conversation among all ages/walks of life of women and another step on my long journey to healing.  We laughed together, cried together, and talked through some difficult things.

I had to leave the speaking engagement later that night because I just couldn't sit there and listen anymore...my anger had reached it's tipping point and I felt as though I was going to stand up and yell profanities at the speaker (side note here: she was preaching the word, she was speaking truth, I just wasn't wanting to hear it at the time) so I graciously exited the meeting hall and hid until small group time. Now, with a new group of women, I put on a smiling face and sat silent through another group but the anxiety within me was growing and about to explode like lava from a volcano.  I hurriedly searched around for a friend after small group time because I needed a safe place to let it all out.  It was almost like that feeling of being about to vomit...you know it's coming really fast and you just need somewhere to safely let it happen.  After struggling to find the perfect safe place/friend I ended up in the bathroom of someone else's hotel room.  Some friends were in the actual room just hanging out and I snuck into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and let the waterworks happen (yes, my good friend was taking a shower at the time… all I can imagine is her thinking, "what in the world is happening out there?!?")  And we're not talking a few tears trickling down my face, we're talking full on mascara running down, lips swelling (does that happen to anyone else when they cry hard core?), ugly sobbing type crying.  I let it out and I let it out hard.  My sweet friend got out of the shower, got dressed, and sat with me as I sobbed.  She didn't say everything was going to be okay, she didn't rub my back (that I remember anyway), she just sat.  It was exactly what I needed.  When I calmed down and wiped some of the mascara off my now sweaty and snotty face, she prayed.  She admitted in her prayer that she didn't have the words to say but that God knew.  It was the most vulnerable, beautiful, lovely prayer I may have ever experienced.  We hugged, giggled a little at the situation, and spent the rest of the night having fun with the other girls.

That night was the beginning of my healing, that friend was pivotal in my road to success.  It didn't all happen at once but I worked through the anger and the bitterness and can say that I've come out on the other side a healthier and stronger Christian and woman.  One of the things that helped me the most was reading Job.  The writer put to words how I was feeling (don't get me wrong, what I was/am going through was absolutely nothing compared to what Job went through) but my questioning God and his Holiness, Sovereignty, etc. was put into words for me in that book.  One of the best parts of it is that the version that I was reading talks about how a friend came to Job and sat with him for a whole week crying, not saying anything, just crying with him.  Exactly like my friend had done that night at the women's conference in that small, stuffy hotel bathroom. 

Don't get me wrong, my relationship with God is not by any means perfect but I whole heartedly believe in Him and believe that He has me going through this adoption process for a reason. I no longer secretly judge others for asking God "why?" or questioning His various plans because I've been there and it was a dark and scary place.  I may not ever know the reason in this life but He is in control and I can rest assured in that.  The process is still hard, I've had to grieve the loss of children that I never got to hold in my arms or love on multiple times over, but I am in such a better place trusting and relying on His perfect timing.  I can now say to myself that His timing is perfect and the right kiddos will come along with a smile on my face trusting in a God who loves me even when I am full of anger towards Him.

The women's conference was back in March, it's now 5 months later and we still don't have any kiddos, God works in mysterious ways!  I can't wait to finally be able to post a blog entitled "WE GOT OUR KID/KIDS!!!" so stay tuned and feel free to pray along with me that it happens soon.