Alright team, the time has come to pay for the Olaf t-shirts! They are $20/t-shirt and will come with any instructions regarding social media rules and any special dates we'll plan on wearing them:) There are a few ways you can make the payment:
1. Mail us a check (please e mail us for our address if you do not have it: haley.j.koning@gmail.com)
2. You can pay us via paypal (you will need to enter my e-mail or phone number). If you do it this way please use the paypal "gift" option so that we are not charged a percentage for using the service).
3. Give us cash or check in person.
We are not totally sure when the t-shirts will be ready but they are being worked on now, we'll update you as we are able.
To clear up any misunderstandings, we wanted to clarify why we are fundraising. We are loving Olaf during this time where she is being treated for cancer. We do not know for sure at this point if she will be a part of our forever family BUT we know we were made to love her and support her right now. Because of this, life has looked different since getting her in August. I have not been able to work as much as usual (related to court dates, hospitalizations, transfusions and out patient infusions) and generally, the days that I am taking off, I do not get paid (this is in the amounts of hundreds of dollars per day lost). We are also having to pay a babysitter for more hours than normal to watch our other two between our two jobs and all of the appointments. On top of all of this, we have decided for our sanity, that I (Haley) will be taking leave (family bonding) for 7 weeks so we can all take a deep breath before continuing on in this journey (I will get paid a percentage of my pay during this time). The government does pay us monthly for foster care but it does not come near covering all of these expenses. We will continue to do fundraisers and love and support this child either forever or until she goes back to her biological family (please understand that right now, it does look like she will be with us forever but we can never say that for sure until adoption papers are signed).
We want to be transparent through this process and hope to encourage others to get out of their comfort zone and do something that seems impossible or uncomfortable. We have been blessed beyond measure by Olaf and this process and would not do anything differently if given the chance. Please come to us with questions or concerns and know that we would love to discuss all of this with you on a personal basis.
Monday, November 17, 2014
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Tie-Dye Fundraiser
Hello friends!!!
So…we're doing a little show your support/fundraiser for our sweet "Olaf" girl. She still has a very long road ahead of her with chemo (minimum 22 weeks). In order to show her our love and support we're making "#%*¥ Girl" (sorry, her real name will be on the tshirt, just not the Internet:) t-shirts and would love for you guys to buy them. They'll be between $15-$20 (will be collected at a later date) and will really make her feel special. Here is the info I need from you by Thursday the 30th:
-size (they'll be unisex)
-color (options are tie-dye or plain white, I'm suggesting the tie-dye)
They will also be available in kids' sizes, just not sure what color they will be-definitely order them for your littles, she'll love it!
Please email your orders to haley.j.koning@gmail.com
Feel free to pass this on to anyone and everyone, the more support the better! Thank you in advance:)
Can't wait for us to all be in our "Olaf" shirts!
-Haley
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Where we are today…a family of 5.
I don't totally know where to begin this post so I'm just going to dive in. For those that don't know, we have a new kiddo! She has been in our home for 3 weeks now and is such a little love and a blessing. It all started about 4 weeks ago…we were still waiting on a sibling set we thought we were getting but I heard of a little girl about Myla's age who needed a home and was kind of everything we said no to….
Actually…lets rewind even further…about a week before 4 weeks ago (so five weeks ago:) our great friends Kaitllyn and Justin Campbell were in town from southern CA with their son Jackson (one of the cutest kids you'll ever meet). Their church has been going through a lot lately and we had some really great, really deep discussions about what we want our lives to look like and how we want to live radically and differently and want to make a difference in our world. Andy and I have felt convicted about the way our world, particularly the San Ramon Valley solves problems; we feel like we (as in the greater we) just throw money at problems. Kids need water in Africa? Send money through World Vision. Hurricane tore through homes? Send money. People in Mexico need a home but we don't have any more vacation time because it's all spent going on real vacations? Send money. Don't get me wrong…Andy and I support a child through World Vision and sending money is good and necessary etc., we just feel like we could be doing more, that maybe God calls everyone to do more (even though that might look different for everyone). Kaitlyn got on this beautiful soapbox one night we were hanging out about radical living and what if God's intention for the church wasn't just to go to church on Sundays, hang out with each other in between, and send money off to people in need, what if it was so much more? I couldn't help but leak a little bit (that's what my dad calls crying:) because I couldn't agree more. No, I don't know what this looks like and no I don't know what it means for everyone. For Andy and I, it meant saying yes more. It meant saying yes when things were uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and didn't seem to make any sense. Someone in my life that has exemplified this has been my Dad, from what I knew as a child, he always said yes! Someone needs a home? YES they can stay with us until they get on their feet. Someone needs a job? YES you can work for DVM if you work hard. A week later, we were presented with an opportunity to say yes and a week after that, our lives were changed forever.
We said yes to a little girl with serious medical issues who had recently been removed from her biological family. There were so many things about this that seemed irrational: firstly, we have been using our agency all the way out in Modesto to avoid this exact situation, we didn't want to get involved until parental rights had been terminated so we would not bring a child into our home only to have them go back to their bio family, she did not meet this criteria. Secondly, with her medical issues we are at the doctor Monday-Friday as well as at least one additional visit per week, in-patient stays at the hospital at least every 3 weeks, etc. which we didn't want to do, I always said, "I'm a nurse at work, I don't want to be one at home to." Ha, I was wrong, I'm doing more medical procedures at home than I ever thought possible! Despite these things and many more, we couldn't be happier about our decision to say yes. It's messy, it's hard, I cry a lot, I haven't taken time off work because we're not sure if she's our "forever child" or not so I'm tired, we just take it day by day and work together as a family. The Lord's blessings are amazing to see, the smile that she brings to our faces and those around us is unmeasurable.
As of yesterday, we're 3 weeks into being a family of 5 and the "newness" and excitement is over. The girls (as in my bio kids) are over it, our newest addition is over it, she doesn't always like our house rules and it's a hard adjustment coming from where she came. I got to a point last week where I felt like yeah, we're blessing this sweet little girl but are we totally messing up our bio kids? Myla has regressed…she isn't talking like she used to talk, potty training is no longer an option, and she screams A LOT. Avery is doing better than Myla but her sass (which she already had a lot of) has grown exponentially and she has outbursts unlike she had before. I called my friend Crystal when I reached my breaking point who I met through this adoption process and who has (as of last Tuesday) officially adopted her sweet little girl Brooklyn and she gave me such wise advice, "it's hard now, but think of the amazing people we are helping them grow up to be". Such amazing words…yes it is hard, Jesus never said it was going to be easy, but Avery and Myla are going to grow up knowing how to love people differently than those around them. They're going to know how to love more like Jesus loved, when it was uncomfortable and hard and unpopular and people didn't get it. They will be better people because of this time, whether we end up adopting this sweet little girl or not.
I know that this is somewhat of a vague update but because it's the internet we have to be careful:) We covet your prayers during this time, specifically for Andy and I's strength and perseverance through all of these late nights, early mornings, continuing our jobs, Doctor's appointments, etc. We also ask that you pray for Avery and Myla as they're adjusting to so much (they both started school this week which I think will help:). And lastly pray for our newest addition; pray that the treatment she is going through heals her, pray that she doesn't get too sick in the meantime, and pray for her to have strength to make it through it all. I look forward to the day when I can tell more of her story and post a picture, until then, thank you for your support and prayers.
Actually…lets rewind even further…about a week before 4 weeks ago (so five weeks ago:) our great friends Kaitllyn and Justin Campbell were in town from southern CA with their son Jackson (one of the cutest kids you'll ever meet). Their church has been going through a lot lately and we had some really great, really deep discussions about what we want our lives to look like and how we want to live radically and differently and want to make a difference in our world. Andy and I have felt convicted about the way our world, particularly the San Ramon Valley solves problems; we feel like we (as in the greater we) just throw money at problems. Kids need water in Africa? Send money through World Vision. Hurricane tore through homes? Send money. People in Mexico need a home but we don't have any more vacation time because it's all spent going on real vacations? Send money. Don't get me wrong…Andy and I support a child through World Vision and sending money is good and necessary etc., we just feel like we could be doing more, that maybe God calls everyone to do more (even though that might look different for everyone). Kaitlyn got on this beautiful soapbox one night we were hanging out about radical living and what if God's intention for the church wasn't just to go to church on Sundays, hang out with each other in between, and send money off to people in need, what if it was so much more? I couldn't help but leak a little bit (that's what my dad calls crying:) because I couldn't agree more. No, I don't know what this looks like and no I don't know what it means for everyone. For Andy and I, it meant saying yes more. It meant saying yes when things were uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and didn't seem to make any sense. Someone in my life that has exemplified this has been my Dad, from what I knew as a child, he always said yes! Someone needs a home? YES they can stay with us until they get on their feet. Someone needs a job? YES you can work for DVM if you work hard. A week later, we were presented with an opportunity to say yes and a week after that, our lives were changed forever.
We said yes to a little girl with serious medical issues who had recently been removed from her biological family. There were so many things about this that seemed irrational: firstly, we have been using our agency all the way out in Modesto to avoid this exact situation, we didn't want to get involved until parental rights had been terminated so we would not bring a child into our home only to have them go back to their bio family, she did not meet this criteria. Secondly, with her medical issues we are at the doctor Monday-Friday as well as at least one additional visit per week, in-patient stays at the hospital at least every 3 weeks, etc. which we didn't want to do, I always said, "I'm a nurse at work, I don't want to be one at home to." Ha, I was wrong, I'm doing more medical procedures at home than I ever thought possible! Despite these things and many more, we couldn't be happier about our decision to say yes. It's messy, it's hard, I cry a lot, I haven't taken time off work because we're not sure if she's our "forever child" or not so I'm tired, we just take it day by day and work together as a family. The Lord's blessings are amazing to see, the smile that she brings to our faces and those around us is unmeasurable.
As of yesterday, we're 3 weeks into being a family of 5 and the "newness" and excitement is over. The girls (as in my bio kids) are over it, our newest addition is over it, she doesn't always like our house rules and it's a hard adjustment coming from where she came. I got to a point last week where I felt like yeah, we're blessing this sweet little girl but are we totally messing up our bio kids? Myla has regressed…she isn't talking like she used to talk, potty training is no longer an option, and she screams A LOT. Avery is doing better than Myla but her sass (which she already had a lot of) has grown exponentially and she has outbursts unlike she had before. I called my friend Crystal when I reached my breaking point who I met through this adoption process and who has (as of last Tuesday) officially adopted her sweet little girl Brooklyn and she gave me such wise advice, "it's hard now, but think of the amazing people we are helping them grow up to be". Such amazing words…yes it is hard, Jesus never said it was going to be easy, but Avery and Myla are going to grow up knowing how to love people differently than those around them. They're going to know how to love more like Jesus loved, when it was uncomfortable and hard and unpopular and people didn't get it. They will be better people because of this time, whether we end up adopting this sweet little girl or not.
I know that this is somewhat of a vague update but because it's the internet we have to be careful:) We covet your prayers during this time, specifically for Andy and I's strength and perseverance through all of these late nights, early mornings, continuing our jobs, Doctor's appointments, etc. We also ask that you pray for Avery and Myla as they're adjusting to so much (they both started school this week which I think will help:). And lastly pray for our newest addition; pray that the treatment she is going through heals her, pray that she doesn't get too sick in the meantime, and pray for her to have strength to make it through it all. I look forward to the day when I can tell more of her story and post a picture, until then, thank you for your support and prayers.
Oregon
Long story short we were on track to getting a sibling set of kiddos at the end of June which didn't happen, then in the middle of July which also didn't happen so we decided to escape reality a little bit and head up to Oregon. The adventure was twofold… one was to visit Andy's family who lives up there and secondly to have a mini college reunion (one roomie and her family were heading up so we went up, 2 came down from seattle, and one lives in beaverton:) It was such a fun adventure because we got to explore Portland unlike we've done before, see friends, hang out with family, etc. Andy and I got to go out on a date and the girls loved their time, win win win:) Here are some shots from the week up there!
It is a really long drive to Portlant…this was our lunch stop for peaches and taco bell:)
Myla was having a hard time but we eventually discovered "adventures in odyssey" which saved out trip!
We were driving up fast to make it in time for Papa's birthday party and we did it! Aves added a little spice to the party and we had a paper airplane competition:)
Andy and I with the birthday boy!
The Portland Children's Discovery museum is possibly my favorite kids museum ever…myla could not have been more thrilled about it, she loved grocery shopping!
We got to hang out a lot with the cool Replogle kids who taught us things like singing a prayer and how to have fun in any situation…they're the best! Thanks Maija and Evan for playing with us!
Andy and I got out on a date night where we went to a really cool brewery for happy hour and got to try 15 different beers!
We then discovered the best ice cream i have ever had in my whole life…literally. Salt and straw in portland is where it's at people!
The next day we adventured with the replogles and katie p to maltnomah falls!
the 4 kiddos:)
roomies!!! so fun...
these kiddos couldn't get enough of each other...
we stopped somewhere random for lunch and caught maija and aves telling jokes to each other, it was too cute!
the kids celebrating that they got cookies for dessert.
I love trying to get 4 kids to smile for a picture…it just never happens. we let them watch frozen before bed one night:)
then michelle joined us from seattle!!!
in dirty turner style anne joined us via private jet late saturday night...
We took the opportunity Sunday morning to go out as just ladies, no husbands, no kids and it was so fabulous and refreshing.
Grammy got out a box of Andy's old hats (apparently he collected them:) and the kids had so much fun with them!
"Ay ay captain!"
Auntie Anne had fun with them too:)
more cookies!
and cookies for the ladies:)
Our last adventure day together started off getting yummy donuts!
then we took a ride on "the bean" to visit the hospitals on the top of the mountain (so so so so so so nice!)
Our last evening we made the rounds with family again…we stopped by Tia and Gam's house where the we played the piano and wrote on the white board.
So much fun!
We went to aunt Julie's for dinner…the kiddos love their Grammy!
Who could resist that face?
Millie and Aunt Julie…she's going through a hands in her mouth phase:)
Great Nana, Papa and the girls.
So hard to get all the people to stop moving and look at the camera!:)
Aunt Julie and Uncle Don just finished re-doing their backyard and we got to sit around the brand new fire pit!!! Looks great guys!
Daddy and Aves playing wiffle ball…she was quite good at it!
oh millie
the drive home…millie ate so many blueberries her whole mouth turned blue!
the treat at the end of the trip was starbucks for all!
The Shaws had our dog so we stopped in Antioch to pick her up and Erica made us a delicious dinner…myla was in charge of watching nora and thought it was the funniest thing when she fell over:)
Thanks for spending time with us everyone, we love seeing you all!
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Some Struggles #realtalk2014
I've been avoiding this post for quite some time, like months of time, for many reasons. All the normal excuses ran through my head: time, I never sit at my desk to type, etc. etc. but if I'm totally honest with myself, my pride got in the way. I've always considered myself to be a "strong Christian"; one who doesn't question God with various issues but recently, my faith has been tested in a way that I never thought was possible. So here I sit, getting over that pride and writing to you, the reader, what's been going on in my heart hoping that in some way, it might encourage others who are going through or will go through similar things.
As you all know by now, we're adopting. We've written a lot about our ups and downs and all about how people told us there would be so many ups and downs blah blah blah. We thought, we're strong enough, we got this, we've been through cancer, family's divorces, nursing school, times without jobs, credit card debt, etc. But the reality was that my faith was broken, I wrestled with God in a way that I'd only wrestled with him in an old beat up dorm room in Swaziland Africa (which only lasted about 24 hours and my amazing friend Stacey was journeying it with me). The crux of the issue for me was this: God called Andy and I to adopt, specifically in November of 2012. We faithfully followed him even though we had resistance from friends, family, co-workers, strangers, etc. but He didn't seem to be holding up his end of the bargain. Now when it's put into words like that, I realize I sound very childish, of course God always keeps His end of the bargain, but in reality, it might not look the way we would expect or want it to look.
Through all of this, I became angry and bitter at God in a way that I never had before. I cried daily - at home, at work, on the phone with friends/family; I was a mess and I knew it and I hated it. I was short with my kiddos (more than usual anyways;) and mad that I was acting this way and had such a weak faith. I would give myself pep-talks like "come on, you're Haley Jean, you've had a strong faith your whole life, this isn't you, snap out of it, get over it." When the reality was, I just had to get through it. My poor small group with church journeyed with me and graciously listened to my prayer requests each week through tears that God would do something, anything that would cause a bit of peace in my life. One night we had a small group prayer night, thankfully I think there were only about 6-8 of us there cause I lost in during prayer, I sobbed like a baby crying out to Jesus that I was desperate for His intervention, for Him to show Himself to me even in the littlest of ways.
My bitterness and anger continued to grow...I was doing everything I knew to do to "fix" it. I tried all the self-care in the world (running, healthier eating, counseling, drinking, journaling, etc. you name it I tried it) and nothing was working. I remember one specific Sunday at church where the worship leader (who also happens to be my husband - why he didn't run the songs by me before planning is a question I often wonder ;) played the song entitled "Forever Reign" which starts off with "you are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me" and I couldn't do it. I couldn't sing the words to a God that I didn't think was good or had any good attributes. I continued my every day life going to work, cooking dinners, taking care of the kiddos while secretly (or not so secretly) dying inside. It all came to a head at the women's conference at our church. Important note, I HATE women's conferences (stay with me here). I love the idea of hanging out with all my friends and escaping reality and yummy lunches, quiet times on the beach, etc. but being away from Andy makes my normally latent anxiety flare up and so what sounds like a relaxing weekend usually ends up being a weekend of anxious nights laying awake in bed wishing I was home. Knowing that, the weekend was clearly rough, you mix a bitter lady with lack of sleep and nothing good can come out of that ;) Top it off with the fact that the speaker talked a lot about challenging ourselves to get out of the boat like Peter did with Jesus and how God blesses you. My thoughts were, "guess what God, I got out of the boat and you didn't do a damn thing!" (again, when typed it sounds so juvenile, but it felt so real at the time).
Saturday morning I had somehow gotten peer pressured into tap dancing with my pregnant friend Kathleen in front of all the women… it ended up being fine but I was admittedly a total brat about it. Then, after the speaker spoke, we broke up into small groups. I stayed very quiet for all of the questions because a) I didn't want to cry in front of a bunch of strangers b) my pride, I want to hold it together not only because I'm a "strong Christian" but also because my husband works at the church and c) I'd cried enough for one weekend. Also, I was so tired of people telling me it was going to be okay. I knew that in my head but if one more person told me "God has the right child picked out for you, you just have to be patient" I would have strangled them. Let's take a pause, that's the same thing I probably would have said to a friend going through this and it's the truth; for the record I just didn't want to hear it for the millionth time. Unfortunately, what I was going through kind of fit the bill for what the questions were and so Kathleen's Mom Diana (remember the pregnant one who made me tap dance hours earlier?) called me out and said, "I bet Haley has an answer to this question." Looking back on the situation she was so wise because it lead to a beautiful conversation among all ages/walks of life of women and another step on my long journey to healing. We laughed together, cried together, and talked through some difficult things.
I had to leave the speaking engagement later that night because I just couldn't sit there and listen anymore...my anger had reached it's tipping point and I felt as though I was going to stand up and yell profanities at the speaker (side note here: she was preaching the word, she was speaking truth, I just wasn't wanting to hear it at the time) so I graciously exited the meeting hall and hid until small group time. Now, with a new group of women, I put on a smiling face and sat silent through another group but the anxiety within me was growing and about to explode like lava from a volcano. I hurriedly searched around for a friend after small group time because I needed a safe place to let it all out. It was almost like that feeling of being about to vomit...you know it's coming really fast and you just need somewhere to safely let it happen. After struggling to find the perfect safe place/friend I ended up in the bathroom of someone else's hotel room. Some friends were in the actual room just hanging out and I snuck into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and let the waterworks happen (yes, my good friend was taking a shower at the time… all I can imagine is her thinking, "what in the world is happening out there?!?") And we're not talking a few tears trickling down my face, we're talking full on mascara running down, lips swelling (does that happen to anyone else when they cry hard core?), ugly sobbing type crying. I let it out and I let it out hard. My sweet friend got out of the shower, got dressed, and sat with me as I sobbed. She didn't say everything was going to be okay, she didn't rub my back (that I remember anyway), she just sat. It was exactly what I needed. When I calmed down and wiped some of the mascara off my now sweaty and snotty face, she prayed. She admitted in her prayer that she didn't have the words to say but that God knew. It was the most vulnerable, beautiful, lovely prayer I may have ever experienced. We hugged, giggled a little at the situation, and spent the rest of the night having fun with the other girls.
That night was the beginning of my healing, that friend was pivotal in my road to success. It didn't all happen at once but I worked through the anger and the bitterness and can say that I've come out on the other side a healthier and stronger Christian and woman. One of the things that helped me the most was reading Job. The writer put to words how I was feeling (don't get me wrong, what I was/am going through was absolutely nothing compared to what Job went through) but my questioning God and his Holiness, Sovereignty, etc. was put into words for me in that book. One of the best parts of it is that the version that I was reading talks about how a friend came to Job and sat with him for a whole week crying, not saying anything, just crying with him. Exactly like my friend had done that night at the women's conference in that small, stuffy hotel bathroom.
Don't get me wrong, my relationship with God is not by any means perfect but I whole heartedly believe in Him and believe that He has me going through this adoption process for a reason. I no longer secretly judge others for asking God "why?" or questioning His various plans because I've been there and it was a dark and scary place. I may not ever know the reason in this life but He is in control and I can rest assured in that. The process is still hard, I've had to grieve the loss of children that I never got to hold in my arms or love on multiple times over, but I am in such a better place trusting and relying on His perfect timing. I can now say to myself that His timing is perfect and the right kiddos will come along with a smile on my face trusting in a God who loves me even when I am full of anger towards Him.
The women's conference was back in March, it's now 5 months later and we still don't have any kiddos, God works in mysterious ways! I can't wait to finally be able to post a blog entitled "WE GOT OUR KID/KIDS!!!" so stay tuned and feel free to pray along with me that it happens soon.
As you all know by now, we're adopting. We've written a lot about our ups and downs and all about how people told us there would be so many ups and downs blah blah blah. We thought, we're strong enough, we got this, we've been through cancer, family's divorces, nursing school, times without jobs, credit card debt, etc. But the reality was that my faith was broken, I wrestled with God in a way that I'd only wrestled with him in an old beat up dorm room in Swaziland Africa (which only lasted about 24 hours and my amazing friend Stacey was journeying it with me). The crux of the issue for me was this: God called Andy and I to adopt, specifically in November of 2012. We faithfully followed him even though we had resistance from friends, family, co-workers, strangers, etc. but He didn't seem to be holding up his end of the bargain. Now when it's put into words like that, I realize I sound very childish, of course God always keeps His end of the bargain, but in reality, it might not look the way we would expect or want it to look.
Through all of this, I became angry and bitter at God in a way that I never had before. I cried daily - at home, at work, on the phone with friends/family; I was a mess and I knew it and I hated it. I was short with my kiddos (more than usual anyways;) and mad that I was acting this way and had such a weak faith. I would give myself pep-talks like "come on, you're Haley Jean, you've had a strong faith your whole life, this isn't you, snap out of it, get over it." When the reality was, I just had to get through it. My poor small group with church journeyed with me and graciously listened to my prayer requests each week through tears that God would do something, anything that would cause a bit of peace in my life. One night we had a small group prayer night, thankfully I think there were only about 6-8 of us there cause I lost in during prayer, I sobbed like a baby crying out to Jesus that I was desperate for His intervention, for Him to show Himself to me even in the littlest of ways.
My bitterness and anger continued to grow...I was doing everything I knew to do to "fix" it. I tried all the self-care in the world (running, healthier eating, counseling, drinking, journaling, etc. you name it I tried it) and nothing was working. I remember one specific Sunday at church where the worship leader (who also happens to be my husband - why he didn't run the songs by me before planning is a question I often wonder ;) played the song entitled "Forever Reign" which starts off with "you are good, you are good, when there's nothing good in me" and I couldn't do it. I couldn't sing the words to a God that I didn't think was good or had any good attributes. I continued my every day life going to work, cooking dinners, taking care of the kiddos while secretly (or not so secretly) dying inside. It all came to a head at the women's conference at our church. Important note, I HATE women's conferences (stay with me here). I love the idea of hanging out with all my friends and escaping reality and yummy lunches, quiet times on the beach, etc. but being away from Andy makes my normally latent anxiety flare up and so what sounds like a relaxing weekend usually ends up being a weekend of anxious nights laying awake in bed wishing I was home. Knowing that, the weekend was clearly rough, you mix a bitter lady with lack of sleep and nothing good can come out of that ;) Top it off with the fact that the speaker talked a lot about challenging ourselves to get out of the boat like Peter did with Jesus and how God blesses you. My thoughts were, "guess what God, I got out of the boat and you didn't do a damn thing!" (again, when typed it sounds so juvenile, but it felt so real at the time).
Saturday morning I had somehow gotten peer pressured into tap dancing with my pregnant friend Kathleen in front of all the women… it ended up being fine but I was admittedly a total brat about it. Then, after the speaker spoke, we broke up into small groups. I stayed very quiet for all of the questions because a) I didn't want to cry in front of a bunch of strangers b) my pride, I want to hold it together not only because I'm a "strong Christian" but also because my husband works at the church and c) I'd cried enough for one weekend. Also, I was so tired of people telling me it was going to be okay. I knew that in my head but if one more person told me "God has the right child picked out for you, you just have to be patient" I would have strangled them. Let's take a pause, that's the same thing I probably would have said to a friend going through this and it's the truth; for the record I just didn't want to hear it for the millionth time. Unfortunately, what I was going through kind of fit the bill for what the questions were and so Kathleen's Mom Diana (remember the pregnant one who made me tap dance hours earlier?) called me out and said, "I bet Haley has an answer to this question." Looking back on the situation she was so wise because it lead to a beautiful conversation among all ages/walks of life of women and another step on my long journey to healing. We laughed together, cried together, and talked through some difficult things.
I had to leave the speaking engagement later that night because I just couldn't sit there and listen anymore...my anger had reached it's tipping point and I felt as though I was going to stand up and yell profanities at the speaker (side note here: she was preaching the word, she was speaking truth, I just wasn't wanting to hear it at the time) so I graciously exited the meeting hall and hid until small group time. Now, with a new group of women, I put on a smiling face and sat silent through another group but the anxiety within me was growing and about to explode like lava from a volcano. I hurriedly searched around for a friend after small group time because I needed a safe place to let it all out. It was almost like that feeling of being about to vomit...you know it's coming really fast and you just need somewhere to safely let it happen. After struggling to find the perfect safe place/friend I ended up in the bathroom of someone else's hotel room. Some friends were in the actual room just hanging out and I snuck into the bathroom, sat on the toilet, and let the waterworks happen (yes, my good friend was taking a shower at the time… all I can imagine is her thinking, "what in the world is happening out there?!?") And we're not talking a few tears trickling down my face, we're talking full on mascara running down, lips swelling (does that happen to anyone else when they cry hard core?), ugly sobbing type crying. I let it out and I let it out hard. My sweet friend got out of the shower, got dressed, and sat with me as I sobbed. She didn't say everything was going to be okay, she didn't rub my back (that I remember anyway), she just sat. It was exactly what I needed. When I calmed down and wiped some of the mascara off my now sweaty and snotty face, she prayed. She admitted in her prayer that she didn't have the words to say but that God knew. It was the most vulnerable, beautiful, lovely prayer I may have ever experienced. We hugged, giggled a little at the situation, and spent the rest of the night having fun with the other girls.
That night was the beginning of my healing, that friend was pivotal in my road to success. It didn't all happen at once but I worked through the anger and the bitterness and can say that I've come out on the other side a healthier and stronger Christian and woman. One of the things that helped me the most was reading Job. The writer put to words how I was feeling (don't get me wrong, what I was/am going through was absolutely nothing compared to what Job went through) but my questioning God and his Holiness, Sovereignty, etc. was put into words for me in that book. One of the best parts of it is that the version that I was reading talks about how a friend came to Job and sat with him for a whole week crying, not saying anything, just crying with him. Exactly like my friend had done that night at the women's conference in that small, stuffy hotel bathroom.
Don't get me wrong, my relationship with God is not by any means perfect but I whole heartedly believe in Him and believe that He has me going through this adoption process for a reason. I no longer secretly judge others for asking God "why?" or questioning His various plans because I've been there and it was a dark and scary place. I may not ever know the reason in this life but He is in control and I can rest assured in that. The process is still hard, I've had to grieve the loss of children that I never got to hold in my arms or love on multiple times over, but I am in such a better place trusting and relying on His perfect timing. I can now say to myself that His timing is perfect and the right kiddos will come along with a smile on my face trusting in a God who loves me even when I am full of anger towards Him.
The women's conference was back in March, it's now 5 months later and we still don't have any kiddos, God works in mysterious ways! I can't wait to finally be able to post a blog entitled "WE GOT OUR KID/KIDS!!!" so stay tuned and feel free to pray along with me that it happens soon.
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Avery is 5!!!
We seriously cannot believe that our sweet little Avery Jean just turned 5…where did the time go? Because she's in between friends (going to a different kindergarten than any of her preschool friends) AND she's had a party every year we decided to pass on the party and just have a dinner with family. Avery got to choose and she chose "Vitality Bowls" (thick smoothies with granola and honey thanks to our great friend Britney). We were joined by Nana and Pop-pop, Auntie Erica (with Malachi, Ezra, and Nora), and Jen and Brian (with Mackenzie). Avery had swim lessons on her birthday too so we were able to bring some yummy treats with us for her to share with all her little swim friends. Overall she felt very loved and was so excited to have people there to have dinner with her.
I (Haley) was at work during the day so right when I got home we had a quick family birthday party before heading to swim lessons and dinner...
Closing her eyes while we walked in with her presents singing:)
We got very creative with her wrapping:)
We told the people at Vitality Bowls that it was her 5th birthday so they made a 5 out of fruit on the top of hers…she thought it was the coolest!
After dinner the Morlan's joined us for some Coldstone (in case you haven't heard, Avery is IN LOVE with Brian, she can't get enough of him!) Avery always gets the same kind of ice cream as Brian…cotton candy with gummy bears:)
Here you can see a bit of her sass…the look in her eyes says it all!
Andy maybe our favorite family picture taken to date!
Lastly Auntie Meghan and Uncle Jimmy brought her some amazing packages from all of the family in Oregon so we got to have a second birthday party on another day, it was so great. Thank you everyone for making her day special:)
Happy 5th birthday sweet girl…you changed our lives in ways we didn't know possible. We love you so stinkin much!!!
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